Tuesday, September 10, 2013

Don't have to feel it.....

Some days, and if I am to be honest, some seasons, I am just going through the motions. Doing what is next to be done. Not really thinking, not really feeling, just crossing off the next thing.

Some seasons are hard. When I hit one of those tough patches, I tend to isolate. Isolate and eat, feeding whatever negative emotion has me feeling beat down. I just want to curl up in bed and hibernate. It is hard. You may not have such a severe swing down as I tend to have, but we all have those times.  And we all have a choice. Will I lean into the emptiness and try to fill it with food and self pity, or will I do what I know is right even when I don't feel like it? Typically, I gravitate towards self pity; "rewarding" myself with poor food choices and "down time" of not going to the gym. I focus on how hard it is, and how overwhelmed I am.

This time I am making a different choice. Oh, all the feelings are still there. I don't want to do anything. I don't want to plan my meals, go get and prepare the healthy food, or push myself to do more pushups, burpies and mountain climbers. I want to be short tempered with the people around me, and tell them; "you don't know how hard it is to fight this battle every freaking day." But to what end? It's not their fault that I am overwhelmed or discouraged. Giving in to that will only damage my relationships. Not eating right or getting a workout in will only push me farther away from my goal. Why am I still tempted to throw up my hands and say screw it? That is the path of least resistance, and I tend to gravitate toward it. I guess cause I am human.

 I feel weak. But I will continue. I won't necessarily like it, but I will do it. I will get my workouts in, even if I have to mutter under my breath and force myself to take every freaking step. Anyone can give up. If this was easy, I would have reached my goal already. I am worth fighting for. Even if it doesn't feel like it right now. Feeling something doesn't make it true. The bible tells me not to trust my feelings (Proverbs 28:26 "Those who trust their own insight are foolish, but anyone who walks in wisdom is safe." NLT) He tells me not to lean on my own understanding, but to lean on His. (Proverbs 3:5-6: "Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding. In all your ways submit yourself to Him and He will make your path straight." NIV) God says I am his, I am lovable, and I am worth fighting for. So even on days that none of that "feels" true, I will act as if it is. I will put one foot in front of the other and I will wait for my feelings to catch up. In AA, they say, "rarely have we seen a person fail who has thoroughly followed our path..."  Well, it's time to be thorough, and keep on following that path. Anyone can keep going when it's easy; when the victories are many and you feel strong....but what about weeks like this? When your not sure you can reach your goal, when it would be so much easier (and more familiar) to give up, when your not sure you have the strength to keep fighting. What now? Give in to emotion or focus on truth?

I understand that, for me,  this battle with losing weight is very symbolic of my relationship with God. It is easy to point to Him when all is well. It is easy to pray, to go to church, read my Bible and seek Him when life is smooth sailing. I know it brings Him joy to see me desiring those things in my life. But what about these stormy seasons? When I get scared, when I don't know what is next, or when I am mad at Him and I don't "feel" like reading my Bible or going to church. What then? As a parent, I know the great joy and gratitude I experience when my boys make the right choice in spite of what they are feeling. Especially when they don't agree with me on what is right. When they choose something out of obedience instead of ease, my heart overflows with gratitude. I have to believe that is the same for the Lord. I believe in these seasons when I choose to follow him even when I don't "feel" it, He is proud of me, and His heart overflows. To be honest, I am not "feeling" it. I am having to choose to pray, and read my Bible and listen to solid teaching. But I when I get to the other side of this season, I want to know that the choices I have made are making him proud, and the words, "well done" will be on His lips. And that means, choosing truth over emotion. What will you choose today?

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