Thursday, May 16, 2013

It's up to me

So in my last post I shared with you that I haven't exercised in two weeks and my eating hasn't been spot on. Boy, that can have some consequences for me. My headaches have started coming back and yesterday afternoon, my anxiety started creeping back in.

I got off work earlier than expected. I ran home hoping to see Tanner before he left for church. I made it...just barely. I got to grab a hug on the driveway as he was heading out and I was heading in. I didn't expect to see him until 9 or so, so touching base and getting that extra hug in the late afternoon was a nice treat.

I walked in the house and thought of all the things I should do...start a load of laundry, make the lunches for tomorrow, clean the upstairs bathroom, sweep, vacuum. You know the drill.  I knew we had leftovers for dinner, so I didn't have to cook. I could use this time to catch up on some other chores...but I really didn't want to. I just wanted to flop on the couch for a bit. So I did. I watched a little tv, feeling more sluggish with each passing minute. I was feeling a little guilty for not doing all the things that needed done around the house, but I have also realized recently that there will always be things that need doing, and sometimes a little downtime is more important. Then my heart started racing. Not again. I knew that feeling well. My anxiety. At least it wasn't a panic attack, I HATE those. So I got up, took a couple of deep breaths.  Nope, heart still racing. I have learned in the last year that the best thing for my anxiety and depression is working out and eating clean. I pulled up the website of my gym, Title Boxing, to see if there were any classes on a Wednesday night. Yup, there was one in an hour. I wavered on going, my hamstring was still sore. I would wait and see how the anxiety went. I could justify not going with my hammie still bothering me. I would still feel like crap in an hour, but it could be justified. At 6:05 I made the decision to go. I ran upstairs, threw on my workout clothes, washed my face and ran out the door. I wrapped my hands at stoplights so I would be ready when I got there. I walked in and was greated by name and with smiles. (That always makes me feel good.) I was honest with the trainer,letting him know that I haven't worked out in two weeks because of a pulled hamstring...but I struggle with anxiety and it's bothering me tonight, so I really needed a workout. He told me he totally understands, and reminds me to adjust my workout and just do what I can. I drop my gloves by "my" bag and walk around a bit to get my head in the game. Class starts, I take it easy running and with lunges. We finally get on the bag and it feels REALLY good to hit. But I can't catch my breath, and my heart is STILL racing. It was so frustrating. I just continue to do what I can, but I am having to stop hitting the heavy bag over and over and take a lap to slow my heart rate and catch my breath. My anxiety will not let go. It was 45 minutes into class and I was still dealing with my heart racing and being out of breath. I just stayed with it, doing what I could. We finish up with abs and afterwards, the trainer calls be over to show me a good stretch with the band. Tells me to just hangout, get a good stretch in. So I do. Time alone to stretch and relax. And I realize my anxiety is gone. I feel so much better. Just as quick as it set in, it is gone. I relax into my stretch thanking God for the gym, and for the trainers here who know me and care enough about me to help me when I need it. Earlier that day I had received a text from my usual trainer checking on me since I haven't been to class. That made me feel great. Community is important. I let them know when my anxiety is bad, when I don't feel strong, when my eating is off. They know me well enough to call me out in the middle of a workout when they see that bug is in my head telling me I am weak, I am fat, I will not reach my goals. We can only be loved to the extent that we are known. I am vulnerable here.

I went home feeling like myself again. I hung out on the couch with my husband watching the storm coverage, laughing way too much over silly things. Tanner got home a little after nine and joined us...still laughing way too much over very silly things. Rick was up imitating the weather man in front of the tv, we were cracking up. Just one of those family nights filled with snuggling on the couch and laughter that feels so good. I knew that if I had not gone to the gym, the night would have looked very different. I would have been lethargic and tired, probably either still struggling with the anxiety, or wrestling with the depression that tends to follow it. I was so grateful that I did what I knew I needed to do instead of letting my feelings rule. The payoff was huge.

"Take full responsibility for your environment and your behaviors. Everything you do sets you up for success or puts another obstacle in your way." - Craig Ballantyne

No comments:

Post a Comment