I am reading a book with that title. It is written by John Ortberg, and even though I can not prove it, I am pretty sure he wrote it just for me. I have already read it once, but it is full of such great encouragement and truth, I am reading it again. Much of what he says has me nodding my head, and agreeing....all the while struggling with a little fear....now that I now these things.... I have do things differently. What good is knowing that God designed me to flourish if I am going to continue to play it safe and hide? Amazing how truth can be encouraging, convicting, and scary.
One of the things I am hearing from God recently is said perfectly in this book, "God wants to redeem you, not exchange you." One of the biggest struggles I have faced is learning to love the way God made me. I have spent most of my life wishing I was less like me, and more like someone else. I have come a long way, from not liking myself at all, to actually embracing and enjoying the quirky way he made me. I love Jesus, I like working out to music by Eminem and Justin Timberlake and Los Lonely Boys. I enjoy camping and hitting the heavy bag at the gym and getting a pedicure. I am opinionated and sarcastic and tender hearted. I can be a little rough around the edges. I love the outdoors and I like my blue nail polish. I used to be embarrassed about some of these things...not anymore. Because those parts of my personality don't take away from the fact that I am an encourager. I am faithful, passionate, empathetic, and loyal. It is ok that on the surface some of those things don't seem to go together. That is what makes me, me. So now that I am at a place of appreciating his work in me, it has become VERY clear that it is now time for me to DO something. That is where the fear is creeping in. If I believe he made me this way intentionally, with these specific gifts and talents, and he has placed me where he has, with these people and these opportunities.....then it is time to let him use me the way he chooses. It is time for me to get uncomfortable again.
I have said all along that one of the biggest reasons I wanted to loose weight was so that I would be available for him to use. That is pretty easy to say 40 pounds heavier, while I am right in the middle of playing life safe and hiding. It sounds pretty spiritual and it also doesn't demand anything other than lip service....I can get excited and be open to something that isn't requiring anything from me right now. But here I am, stronger and healthier...with new doors opening. My first reaction is, "AWESOME!" followed quickly by......"ummmmm....wait a minute. What if I am not enough?" As I have dug into that "what if I am not enough" what I am finding is that isn't really the question. What I think I am scared of is, what if I am not the best? I have always struggled with worth. If I am not the best, I can't be lovable....and since I am not the best, I must not be lovable. I thought I had made some headway in this...but apparently there is another layer of it that I need to uproot. It caught my attention in my boxing fitness class the other day. One of the girls I work out with is a "bad a" on the bag. She is strong, has great form, she is fun to watch hit. Then I became aware of what I am thinking...I wish I could hit like her, look like her....All of a sudden I am self-conscious. I am having trouble with my combination. I am clumsy and embarrassed. I can't hit like her, I can't look like her. She is probably 20 years younger than me. She is a foot taller than me. She has different skills. By focusing on who I am not, I began to flouder,I wasn't enjoying my workout anymore. (in the book Ortberg talks about languishing, it is the condition of someone who may be able to function, but has lost a sense of hope and meaning. it is the absence of mental and emotional vitality) It was a very important example of what I am struggling with in my daily life. I have an opportunity to work with some students soon, and facing that in the gym made me realize that was one of the fears I was facing with this opportunity. What if I am not the best leader? It is embarrassing to admit that, because it is so full of pride. But if I am going to be honest, it was a fear that was lurking. Truth is, I will not be the best leader. I have never lead a team of students on a mission trip. I am going to make mistakes, it will be a little messy. But that is ok. What they need from me is love and Jesus. I love working with students, and I love Jesus. Check. Nothing offered in love is ever lost.
What I need to celebrate is that I am now in a place where answering yes to this call is an option for me. Two years ago, it wouldn't have been. The last 18 months have been full of wrestling with spiritual truths, insecurities and the discipline it takes to hit the gym consistently and eat cleaner. Those were the things I needed to do, but those weren't my goal. My goal is to be stronger, healthier and ready for him to use. Ortberg says it well, "We do not just drift into becoming the best version of ourselves...." What actions can you take today that will move you closer to flourishing, to being your best self... a little "you-ier"?
Saturday, June 15, 2013
Thursday, May 16, 2013
It's up to me
So in my last post I shared with you that I haven't exercised in two weeks and my eating hasn't been spot on. Boy, that can have some consequences for me. My headaches have started coming back and yesterday afternoon, my anxiety started creeping back in.
I got off work earlier than expected. I ran home hoping to see Tanner before he left for church. I made it...just barely. I got to grab a hug on the driveway as he was heading out and I was heading in. I didn't expect to see him until 9 or so, so touching base and getting that extra hug in the late afternoon was a nice treat.
I walked in the house and thought of all the things I should do...start a load of laundry, make the lunches for tomorrow, clean the upstairs bathroom, sweep, vacuum. You know the drill. I knew we had leftovers for dinner, so I didn't have to cook. I could use this time to catch up on some other chores...but I really didn't want to. I just wanted to flop on the couch for a bit. So I did. I watched a little tv, feeling more sluggish with each passing minute. I was feeling a little guilty for not doing all the things that needed done around the house, but I have also realized recently that there will always be things that need doing, and sometimes a little downtime is more important. Then my heart started racing. Not again. I knew that feeling well. My anxiety. At least it wasn't a panic attack, I HATE those. So I got up, took a couple of deep breaths. Nope, heart still racing. I have learned in the last year that the best thing for my anxiety and depression is working out and eating clean. I pulled up the website of my gym, Title Boxing, to see if there were any classes on a Wednesday night. Yup, there was one in an hour. I wavered on going, my hamstring was still sore. I would wait and see how the anxiety went. I could justify not going with my hammie still bothering me. I would still feel like crap in an hour, but it could be justified. At 6:05 I made the decision to go. I ran upstairs, threw on my workout clothes, washed my face and ran out the door. I wrapped my hands at stoplights so I would be ready when I got there. I walked in and was greated by name and with smiles. (That always makes me feel good.) I was honest with the trainer,letting him know that I haven't worked out in two weeks because of a pulled hamstring...but I struggle with anxiety and it's bothering me tonight, so I really needed a workout. He told me he totally understands, and reminds me to adjust my workout and just do what I can. I drop my gloves by "my" bag and walk around a bit to get my head in the game. Class starts, I take it easy running and with lunges. We finally get on the bag and it feels REALLY good to hit. But I can't catch my breath, and my heart is STILL racing. It was so frustrating. I just continue to do what I can, but I am having to stop hitting the heavy bag over and over and take a lap to slow my heart rate and catch my breath. My anxiety will not let go. It was 45 minutes into class and I was still dealing with my heart racing and being out of breath. I just stayed with it, doing what I could. We finish up with abs and afterwards, the trainer calls be over to show me a good stretch with the band. Tells me to just hangout, get a good stretch in. So I do. Time alone to stretch and relax. And I realize my anxiety is gone. I feel so much better. Just as quick as it set in, it is gone. I relax into my stretch thanking God for the gym, and for the trainers here who know me and care enough about me to help me when I need it. Earlier that day I had received a text from my usual trainer checking on me since I haven't been to class. That made me feel great. Community is important. I let them know when my anxiety is bad, when I don't feel strong, when my eating is off. They know me well enough to call me out in the middle of a workout when they see that bug is in my head telling me I am weak, I am fat, I will not reach my goals. We can only be loved to the extent that we are known. I am vulnerable here.
I went home feeling like myself again. I hung out on the couch with my husband watching the storm coverage, laughing way too much over silly things. Tanner got home a little after nine and joined us...still laughing way too much over very silly things. Rick was up imitating the weather man in front of the tv, we were cracking up. Just one of those family nights filled with snuggling on the couch and laughter that feels so good. I knew that if I had not gone to the gym, the night would have looked very different. I would have been lethargic and tired, probably either still struggling with the anxiety, or wrestling with the depression that tends to follow it. I was so grateful that I did what I knew I needed to do instead of letting my feelings rule. The payoff was huge.
"Take full responsibility for your environment and your behaviors. Everything you do sets you up for success or puts another obstacle in your way." - Craig Ballantyne
I got off work earlier than expected. I ran home hoping to see Tanner before he left for church. I made it...just barely. I got to grab a hug on the driveway as he was heading out and I was heading in. I didn't expect to see him until 9 or so, so touching base and getting that extra hug in the late afternoon was a nice treat.
I walked in the house and thought of all the things I should do...start a load of laundry, make the lunches for tomorrow, clean the upstairs bathroom, sweep, vacuum. You know the drill. I knew we had leftovers for dinner, so I didn't have to cook. I could use this time to catch up on some other chores...but I really didn't want to. I just wanted to flop on the couch for a bit. So I did. I watched a little tv, feeling more sluggish with each passing minute. I was feeling a little guilty for not doing all the things that needed done around the house, but I have also realized recently that there will always be things that need doing, and sometimes a little downtime is more important. Then my heart started racing. Not again. I knew that feeling well. My anxiety. At least it wasn't a panic attack, I HATE those. So I got up, took a couple of deep breaths. Nope, heart still racing. I have learned in the last year that the best thing for my anxiety and depression is working out and eating clean. I pulled up the website of my gym, Title Boxing, to see if there were any classes on a Wednesday night. Yup, there was one in an hour. I wavered on going, my hamstring was still sore. I would wait and see how the anxiety went. I could justify not going with my hammie still bothering me. I would still feel like crap in an hour, but it could be justified. At 6:05 I made the decision to go. I ran upstairs, threw on my workout clothes, washed my face and ran out the door. I wrapped my hands at stoplights so I would be ready when I got there. I walked in and was greated by name and with smiles. (That always makes me feel good.) I was honest with the trainer,letting him know that I haven't worked out in two weeks because of a pulled hamstring...but I struggle with anxiety and it's bothering me tonight, so I really needed a workout. He told me he totally understands, and reminds me to adjust my workout and just do what I can. I drop my gloves by "my" bag and walk around a bit to get my head in the game. Class starts, I take it easy running and with lunges. We finally get on the bag and it feels REALLY good to hit. But I can't catch my breath, and my heart is STILL racing. It was so frustrating. I just continue to do what I can, but I am having to stop hitting the heavy bag over and over and take a lap to slow my heart rate and catch my breath. My anxiety will not let go. It was 45 minutes into class and I was still dealing with my heart racing and being out of breath. I just stayed with it, doing what I could. We finish up with abs and afterwards, the trainer calls be over to show me a good stretch with the band. Tells me to just hangout, get a good stretch in. So I do. Time alone to stretch and relax. And I realize my anxiety is gone. I feel so much better. Just as quick as it set in, it is gone. I relax into my stretch thanking God for the gym, and for the trainers here who know me and care enough about me to help me when I need it. Earlier that day I had received a text from my usual trainer checking on me since I haven't been to class. That made me feel great. Community is important. I let them know when my anxiety is bad, when I don't feel strong, when my eating is off. They know me well enough to call me out in the middle of a workout when they see that bug is in my head telling me I am weak, I am fat, I will not reach my goals. We can only be loved to the extent that we are known. I am vulnerable here.
I went home feeling like myself again. I hung out on the couch with my husband watching the storm coverage, laughing way too much over silly things. Tanner got home a little after nine and joined us...still laughing way too much over very silly things. Rick was up imitating the weather man in front of the tv, we were cracking up. Just one of those family nights filled with snuggling on the couch and laughter that feels so good. I knew that if I had not gone to the gym, the night would have looked very different. I would have been lethargic and tired, probably either still struggling with the anxiety, or wrestling with the depression that tends to follow it. I was so grateful that I did what I knew I needed to do instead of letting my feelings rule. The payoff was huge.
"Take full responsibility for your environment and your behaviors. Everything you do sets you up for success or puts another obstacle in your way." - Craig Ballantyne
Wednesday, May 15, 2013
I am reading Jon Acuff's book, "Start". It is about not settling for average. Pushing past the fear that speaks to all of us, convincing us to not dream too big, live too boldly, or shine too brightly. Fear has always been an issue for me. I am just now realizing that fear is an issue for most people.(wait, you mean I am not unique after all?!) I was so busy comparing my insides with your outsides, all I could see was that they didn't match. Had I been smart enough to realize that wasn't a fair scale, I might have dared to look a little deeper. What I missed was that while most people's outsides look put together and confident, their insides are often as messy as mine. Riddled with the insecurity and questions. But what if I am not good enough, liked enough, smart enough? What if I don't fit in. What if I don't have what it takes?
A little over a year ago I was shopping for homeowners and car insurance. I got quotes from 8 different companies, then sat on the decision for 4 months because I was so scared to make the wrong decision. Really? Wow. It's insurance. Look at the numbers. Pick one. Move on. I wouldn't. I was overwhelmed by the fear of making the wrong choice. I read somewhere not long after that (Thank you, God) that some of us treat decisions as if they were moral issues. WOW. That was so true for me. Decisions are choices, nothing more. If I make the wrong one, I can readjust and move forward. My identity, or moral compass, will not be altered by paying too much for homeowners insurance. In Acuff''s book he says it this way, "No matter what fear and doubt tell you, your identity is not at stake with the decisions you make and the actions you take as you learn.....You were you before you walked in the building. You'll be you when you walk out. Only more awesome." I love that. He is so right.
So how does this tie into nutrition, exercise and weight loss? Well, for me it brings up the issue of my all or nothing thinking, and how often it sabotages me. Maybe I am the only one who has tied self worth to my eating or my success on the scale. Or given up and jumped off the "diet" because I ate a cookie. Eating and exercise is just like every other decision I face every day. It is not a moral issue. I am not a failure as a person because I ate a candy bar. Was that the wisest choice considering I am still trying to loose weight? No. Has my character or integrity taken a hit. No. Will it now take me a little longer to loose the 20 pounds I still have left. Yes, a little. Do I suck as a person now? No. Ok, so that may seem a little silly, but seriously the emotions that are generated from that cyclical pattern of negative thinking and self sabotage are strong. I can actually convince myself that I am a failure because I ate what I shouldn't have or I didn't exercise. Talk about pressure. Geez. All too often in the past, I have let one indulgence lead me down the path that tells me I have blown it. I should just give up. I will never be successful. Who I am is not altered by what I eat or how often I exercise. Popeye had it going on with his, "I yam who I yam". (mmmmm....yams. Sorry, I am easily distracted) Is it possible for me to be a happier version of me because of what I eat or how often I exercise...absolutely. But that is because I am taking care of my body, feeding it healthy food and challenging it. I am giving it what it needs to function at it's best. The by product of taking good care of my body is having more energy, more balanced hormones and a brighter outlook.I can feel better because of good choices, but I am not a better or worse person because of what I eat or don't eat.
I haven't worked out in over a week because I pulled a muscle in my leg. I was running a lap at the gym a few weeks ago and tripped (graceful I am not). I hyperextended the part of my hamstring way up near my glute....so yeah, it's like I pulled a butt muscle. Who does that? Really? A pulled butt muscle? Yeah, that is me all over. So ANYHOW, I digress....I haven't been working out, and my eating hasn't been great. Those old tapes start playing....I am fat. I am a failure. I will NEVER loose all the weight I need to. I will never reach my goals. That thinking is trying to sneak back in. When I take a minute to really think through it....I know none of it is true. I am still overweight, still have around 20 pounds to go...but truth is, the 40 pounds I have lost are still gone. I am still a size 8, instead of the size 18 that I was. I have taken liberties with my eating, but it hasn't been all horrible; I am still getting a lot of nutrition in. I have lost 2/3rds of the weight I need to loose. I've gone from only being able to jog a half a block, to jogging a half marathon. That isn't failing. But if I gave in to my feelings, I would be focused on what a failure I am, and be convinced that I will never reach my goals. What I choose to focus on is important. Phillipians 4:8 (from The Message): "Summing it up, friends, I'd say you'll do best by filling your minds and meditating on things that are true, noble, reputable, authentic, compelling, gracious,-the best, not the worst; the beautiful, not the ugly; things to praise, not to curse."
How do you see yourself? Do you tie your worth to performance? Do you feel like a failure when your food choices aren't perfect? You are not how much you weigh. You are not defined by your choices in food or exercise. Who would you see if you looked at yourself without that self imposed filter? Can you even see past your weight to see who God created you to be?
A little over a year ago I was shopping for homeowners and car insurance. I got quotes from 8 different companies, then sat on the decision for 4 months because I was so scared to make the wrong decision. Really? Wow. It's insurance. Look at the numbers. Pick one. Move on. I wouldn't. I was overwhelmed by the fear of making the wrong choice. I read somewhere not long after that (Thank you, God) that some of us treat decisions as if they were moral issues. WOW. That was so true for me. Decisions are choices, nothing more. If I make the wrong one, I can readjust and move forward. My identity, or moral compass, will not be altered by paying too much for homeowners insurance. In Acuff''s book he says it this way, "No matter what fear and doubt tell you, your identity is not at stake with the decisions you make and the actions you take as you learn.....You were you before you walked in the building. You'll be you when you walk out. Only more awesome." I love that. He is so right.
So how does this tie into nutrition, exercise and weight loss? Well, for me it brings up the issue of my all or nothing thinking, and how often it sabotages me. Maybe I am the only one who has tied self worth to my eating or my success on the scale. Or given up and jumped off the "diet" because I ate a cookie. Eating and exercise is just like every other decision I face every day. It is not a moral issue. I am not a failure as a person because I ate a candy bar. Was that the wisest choice considering I am still trying to loose weight? No. Has my character or integrity taken a hit. No. Will it now take me a little longer to loose the 20 pounds I still have left. Yes, a little. Do I suck as a person now? No. Ok, so that may seem a little silly, but seriously the emotions that are generated from that cyclical pattern of negative thinking and self sabotage are strong. I can actually convince myself that I am a failure because I ate what I shouldn't have or I didn't exercise. Talk about pressure. Geez. All too often in the past, I have let one indulgence lead me down the path that tells me I have blown it. I should just give up. I will never be successful. Who I am is not altered by what I eat or how often I exercise. Popeye had it going on with his, "I yam who I yam". (mmmmm....yams. Sorry, I am easily distracted) Is it possible for me to be a happier version of me because of what I eat or how often I exercise...absolutely. But that is because I am taking care of my body, feeding it healthy food and challenging it. I am giving it what it needs to function at it's best. The by product of taking good care of my body is having more energy, more balanced hormones and a brighter outlook.I can feel better because of good choices, but I am not a better or worse person because of what I eat or don't eat.
I haven't worked out in over a week because I pulled a muscle in my leg. I was running a lap at the gym a few weeks ago and tripped (graceful I am not). I hyperextended the part of my hamstring way up near my glute....so yeah, it's like I pulled a butt muscle. Who does that? Really? A pulled butt muscle? Yeah, that is me all over. So ANYHOW, I digress....I haven't been working out, and my eating hasn't been great. Those old tapes start playing....I am fat. I am a failure. I will NEVER loose all the weight I need to. I will never reach my goals. That thinking is trying to sneak back in. When I take a minute to really think through it....I know none of it is true. I am still overweight, still have around 20 pounds to go...but truth is, the 40 pounds I have lost are still gone. I am still a size 8, instead of the size 18 that I was. I have taken liberties with my eating, but it hasn't been all horrible; I am still getting a lot of nutrition in. I have lost 2/3rds of the weight I need to loose. I've gone from only being able to jog a half a block, to jogging a half marathon. That isn't failing. But if I gave in to my feelings, I would be focused on what a failure I am, and be convinced that I will never reach my goals. What I choose to focus on is important. Phillipians 4:8 (from The Message): "Summing it up, friends, I'd say you'll do best by filling your minds and meditating on things that are true, noble, reputable, authentic, compelling, gracious,-the best, not the worst; the beautiful, not the ugly; things to praise, not to curse."
How do you see yourself? Do you tie your worth to performance? Do you feel like a failure when your food choices aren't perfect? You are not how much you weigh. You are not defined by your choices in food or exercise. Who would you see if you looked at yourself without that self imposed filter? Can you even see past your weight to see who God created you to be?
Wednesday, May 8, 2013
It has been 8 months since I have posted. That was not intentional. Life got busy. I actually forgot about my blog. I started reading Jon Acuff's book "Start" today and in it he referred to his blog. Oh. My. Gosh. My blog!
Well, a lot has gone on in the last 32 weeks. And by a lot, I mean nothing. A lot AND nothing. Isn't that how life is? So, I am still learning lessons, struggling with insecurities, and putting one foot in front of the other. I have now lost 40 pounds. 40 and sticking. I have been at this plateau for months. My eating is pretty much the same, mostly veggies, fruit and lean meats. I have had a few multi week long bouts of eating whatever I wanted. And by that I mean chocolate, chips, chocolate, cookies,and some chocolate. Yes, that effected my depression/anxiety. Ick. I don't stay in it as long, that in and of itself is progress. I baked about 12 dozen oatmeal cookies this week. Yeah. There is a reason I haven't baked them in a long time. They are WAY to freaking good. I can not stay out of them.
I have some sitting here at my desk right now. I brought them for someone at work. I told him yesterday I would bring them. He isn't here...and now I am thinking...mmmmmmm.....cookies.
So, yah. I'm still doing it. Still working toward a healthy weight and a healthy body. It is more of a lifestyle for me now than a diet. It's not hard to eat the right food. It does take planning ahead, and that isn't always easy, only because life is busy. My hours at work have increased to full time, and I am married with one son still at home. I also volunteer for a non profit start up. Lucky for me I can do a lot of that work while I am at my paying job. (Yes, I have the blessing of my employers on that) But it is doable. I don't enjoy the alarm going off before 5am four or five days a week, but I do love pushing myself physically and seeing the people I work out with in the mornings. Walking in, hearing the music, saying good morning to my workout buddies, and being greeted by name and with a smile is good for my soul. I feel connected. And I feel like me there. It really is the first place I have had in 20 years, that I am just Chris. People don't know me in relation to me being a mother or a wife. I am just Chris. That has been very different. Most of the friendships I have made in the last few decades have been kid centric. I became friends with people who where within the sphere of my sons' lives. In the neighborhood, in church, in scouts, in school. For the first time a few months ago, I introduced my husband and sons to a couple of my friends, instead of the other way around. I really enjoyed that.
So that being said, I am back to writing about this process. I have learned so much along the way. I have come to really understand how important it is for us to keep our hearts open. I have learned so much about the way God made me. And though it has been a VERY slow process, I am coming to appreciate how he made me. I actually like who I am for the first time in a LONG LONG time. I have learned that who I saw myself as is not necessarily how others saw me. And more importantly, not how God created me. The first time I shared with my husband and son that I was ashamed of a character trait I had took a LOT of courage. (I felt like I was completely overbearing and too loud) I risked being vulnerable and told them that I was extremely embarrassed and shamed by that part of my personality. They both looked at me like I was crazy, and told me that isn't how they see me AT ALL. As a matter of fact, they would not use those words to describe me. At all. Wait, what? Really? These guys know me better than ANYONE else. I searched their eyes, I mean SEARCHED their eyes for assurance....that they really meant what they had just said. I was overwhelmed and teared up (not out of character for me). Is it possible that my perception of myself is THAT distorted? Have I really been feeling ashamed and embarrassed by character traits that I don't even have? What kind of crazy bondage is that? Somewhere along the way, I accepted that as being true about me. There have been a lot of things that I accepted as truth about me that are absolutely false. People may have spoken those words about me, but that does not mean that they are accurate. I am not too much, or hard to take, or overbearing. I am actually lovable, funny and tenderhearted. Having a heart open to teaching and risking is so important. I would never have known the real truth without it. What we tell ourselves about who we are is important. It needs to be grounded in REAL truth. What do you tell yourself?
What we tell others about themselves is important too. How do you speak about and to the people in your life? Do you "joke" about their shortcomings, make fun of their struggles or weaknesses? Do you use them as the butt of a joke when the opportunity arises? I was inspired by a woman at my church years ago who made a comment that she would not make a disparaging comment about her family, not even in jest. That really struck me. I grew up in a family who consistently will poke fun. (and consistently wound). I thought about that. When my boys thought about their mother, how did I want them to feel about the words they had heard me speak over and about them during their life? The answer was easy, and I made the commitment to myself and to God that day, that people would not hear disparaging words from me. I have fallen short, but my commitment remains. I will use my words to build up and not tear down. Proverbs 12:18 says, The words of the reckless pierce like swords, but the tongue of the wise brings healing." Who in your life needs words of affirmation from you today?
Well, a lot has gone on in the last 32 weeks. And by a lot, I mean nothing. A lot AND nothing. Isn't that how life is? So, I am still learning lessons, struggling with insecurities, and putting one foot in front of the other. I have now lost 40 pounds. 40 and sticking. I have been at this plateau for months. My eating is pretty much the same, mostly veggies, fruit and lean meats. I have had a few multi week long bouts of eating whatever I wanted. And by that I mean chocolate, chips, chocolate, cookies,and some chocolate. Yes, that effected my depression/anxiety. Ick. I don't stay in it as long, that in and of itself is progress. I baked about 12 dozen oatmeal cookies this week. Yeah. There is a reason I haven't baked them in a long time. They are WAY to freaking good. I can not stay out of them.
I have some sitting here at my desk right now. I brought them for someone at work. I told him yesterday I would bring them. He isn't here...and now I am thinking...mmmmmmm.....cookies.
So, yah. I'm still doing it. Still working toward a healthy weight and a healthy body. It is more of a lifestyle for me now than a diet. It's not hard to eat the right food. It does take planning ahead, and that isn't always easy, only because life is busy. My hours at work have increased to full time, and I am married with one son still at home. I also volunteer for a non profit start up. Lucky for me I can do a lot of that work while I am at my paying job. (Yes, I have the blessing of my employers on that) But it is doable. I don't enjoy the alarm going off before 5am four or five days a week, but I do love pushing myself physically and seeing the people I work out with in the mornings. Walking in, hearing the music, saying good morning to my workout buddies, and being greeted by name and with a smile is good for my soul. I feel connected. And I feel like me there. It really is the first place I have had in 20 years, that I am just Chris. People don't know me in relation to me being a mother or a wife. I am just Chris. That has been very different. Most of the friendships I have made in the last few decades have been kid centric. I became friends with people who where within the sphere of my sons' lives. In the neighborhood, in church, in scouts, in school. For the first time a few months ago, I introduced my husband and sons to a couple of my friends, instead of the other way around. I really enjoyed that.
So that being said, I am back to writing about this process. I have learned so much along the way. I have come to really understand how important it is for us to keep our hearts open. I have learned so much about the way God made me. And though it has been a VERY slow process, I am coming to appreciate how he made me. I actually like who I am for the first time in a LONG LONG time. I have learned that who I saw myself as is not necessarily how others saw me. And more importantly, not how God created me. The first time I shared with my husband and son that I was ashamed of a character trait I had took a LOT of courage. (I felt like I was completely overbearing and too loud) I risked being vulnerable and told them that I was extremely embarrassed and shamed by that part of my personality. They both looked at me like I was crazy, and told me that isn't how they see me AT ALL. As a matter of fact, they would not use those words to describe me. At all. Wait, what? Really? These guys know me better than ANYONE else. I searched their eyes, I mean SEARCHED their eyes for assurance....that they really meant what they had just said. I was overwhelmed and teared up (not out of character for me). Is it possible that my perception of myself is THAT distorted? Have I really been feeling ashamed and embarrassed by character traits that I don't even have? What kind of crazy bondage is that? Somewhere along the way, I accepted that as being true about me. There have been a lot of things that I accepted as truth about me that are absolutely false. People may have spoken those words about me, but that does not mean that they are accurate. I am not too much, or hard to take, or overbearing. I am actually lovable, funny and tenderhearted. Having a heart open to teaching and risking is so important. I would never have known the real truth without it. What we tell ourselves about who we are is important. It needs to be grounded in REAL truth. What do you tell yourself?
What we tell others about themselves is important too. How do you speak about and to the people in your life? Do you "joke" about their shortcomings, make fun of their struggles or weaknesses? Do you use them as the butt of a joke when the opportunity arises? I was inspired by a woman at my church years ago who made a comment that she would not make a disparaging comment about her family, not even in jest. That really struck me. I grew up in a family who consistently will poke fun. (and consistently wound). I thought about that. When my boys thought about their mother, how did I want them to feel about the words they had heard me speak over and about them during their life? The answer was easy, and I made the commitment to myself and to God that day, that people would not hear disparaging words from me. I have fallen short, but my commitment remains. I will use my words to build up and not tear down. Proverbs 12:18 says, The words of the reckless pierce like swords, but the tongue of the wise brings healing." Who in your life needs words of affirmation from you today?
Friday, September 21, 2012
2 things about food that surprise me
The first thing that surprises me about food is how GOOD whole food tastes once I cleared all of the crap out of my diet. As I've mentioned, I cleaned up my eating beginning on July 1st. (mentioned in my Aug 15 post) About a month into that, the food I was eating began to taste SO GOOD. I mean crazy delicious, where I am just savoring every bite. Here are some examples. I made meatballs with Jenny O ground turkey and had that with spaghetti squash. OH MY GOSH, so good. I made brussel sprouts this week ( I had never liked them before) and I was so sad that there were no more left overs. Seriously, I could have eaten some every day. One thing I have to have at least twice a week is sliced sweet potatos sauteed in olive oil and sea salt. Those days where I feel like "snacking" that is my go to. Spinach with onions, steamed carrots with a little sea salt, all of it. So good. It is weird what all that sugar and fat and processed food does to our taste buds. And we have NO idea unless we try living without it. I did the 10 cleanse by Advocare. (To be honest, I had no intention of doing more than 10 days.) Yes, it was hard to break away from it, but I felt like I could make it through ten days. I mean, that isn't even two weeks. By the time day 11 hit, I decided I was feeling so much better that I would continue till the end of the month. By the time Aug 1 rolled around, I thought, I'm doing so well, I'll keep going until I reach my goal. Now, it is just how I eat and I have no intention of changing it. Once I hit my goal weight, I will probably add in sprouted/whole grain bread here and there, maybe a little cheese now and again. But I will continue eating the way that I do over all. Sure, I will allow for a treat once in a while, but after seeing what sugar does to how I feel...I have no desire to open those floodgates at all. Which brings me to the second thing that surprises me about food.
Sugar is evil. I have always assumed that sugar probably added to my depression/anxiety, but I had NO IDEA how much. I have had two rounds of anxiety since July 1.(which is amazing). Last Sunday I woke up SO anxious. I mean bad. I had to do the whole, "nothing is wrong. Everyone is happy and healthy. Nothing bad is on the horizon. This is not valid" talk to myself all morning. I headed to the gym because I know I always feel so much better after a good workout. I struggled through the whole class. My heart was racing so bad I had to keep backing off and walking around the gym. The trainer kept asking me if I was ok, he knew that was not me. It was awful. On top of the physical symptoms, I was so frustrated. I believed I had found the right combination of eating and exercise that would keep my depression/anxiety at bay, and I was so upset that this was still going to be something to fight. So I was praying all through class, asking God why this was happening, why was I feeling like this? What had I done to spur on these two attacks in the last month? And it occurs to me. Sugar. You had sugar, a LOT of sugar compared to what you had been eating. I had baked cookies the day before. That night I texted Rick and told him I was struggling with temptation. I lasted a little while, then gave in and ate 2 cookies before bed. At some point during the night I got up and ate I don't know how many more. Yes, I sleep walk and have eaten in my sleep for years. No, I am not kidding. Up until now, only Rick and the boys have known about this. It is so freaking frustrating. So I wake up with that familiar icky feeling in my stomach, and head down stairs. I see there are only two cookies left in the ziplock. I have no idea how many there were when I went to bed, but it was a full plate. That was the common denominator in those two rounds of anxiety. I had eaten cookies a few weeks earlier, the day before I had the first round of anxiety. I was making cookies and salsa for Rick and the boys to take to the ranch, and I was eating some as I cooked. I would pull a batch out of the oven and eat one (*cough* two or three). I'd pull another batch out of the oven and eat one (or three more). Then I decided that salsa looked so good, maybe some chips and salsa wouldn't be out of line. So chips and a LOT of cookies. (I probably pulled 4-5 batches out of the oven. Multiply that by 2-3...yah, not so great). Once I realized that, I felt so much better emotionally. I still felt like crap physically, but at least I knew what I was working with. I just had to get through the rest of the day and stay the heck away from that much sugar.
It all clicked. Such an eye opener. Yeah, those cookies were good, but not worth feeling like that. Then my twisted thinking kicked in. (you'll love this). I can NEVER make cookies for my family again. What kind of mother am I? I won't even be able to bake them cookies. No, seriously, I was feeling like I was going to completely jack with their quality of life. I was ashamed that I am such a weak person that my poor family will have to suffer like that. Oh. My. Gosh. I can be such a trainwreck in my thinking. It occured to me yesterday that if Tanner had to choose between a happy mom that is quick to throw the frisbee, or having cookies baked...he would probably choose the former and date a girl that is a good baker. And I know for a fact that given the choice Rick would gladly forfeit homemade cookies for the wife he has had as of late.
More often than I would like, I choose something that I know is not good for me. I know I am not the only one with this struggle. Jesus said to his disciples in Matthew 6:13, " Watch and pray so that you will not fall into temptation. The spirit is willing, but the flesh is weak." So I will continue to watch and pray. I know that my flesh is weak. When I stumble, I will remember this current weakness is one more opportunity for me to lean into the Lord, settle into his grace and focus on him and his will for me. God reminded Paul in 2 Corinthians 12:9, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness". Paul sums it up in the following verses by saying, "Therfore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ's sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong." I, for one, am so grateful that perfection is not something to be desired or pursued. My struggles give me opportunity to seek the Lord. They also soften my heart for those around me who share similar burdens. Do you see your weaknesses as something to be grateful for or ashamed of?
Sugar is evil. I have always assumed that sugar probably added to my depression/anxiety, but I had NO IDEA how much. I have had two rounds of anxiety since July 1.(which is amazing). Last Sunday I woke up SO anxious. I mean bad. I had to do the whole, "nothing is wrong. Everyone is happy and healthy. Nothing bad is on the horizon. This is not valid" talk to myself all morning. I headed to the gym because I know I always feel so much better after a good workout. I struggled through the whole class. My heart was racing so bad I had to keep backing off and walking around the gym. The trainer kept asking me if I was ok, he knew that was not me. It was awful. On top of the physical symptoms, I was so frustrated. I believed I had found the right combination of eating and exercise that would keep my depression/anxiety at bay, and I was so upset that this was still going to be something to fight. So I was praying all through class, asking God why this was happening, why was I feeling like this? What had I done to spur on these two attacks in the last month? And it occurs to me. Sugar. You had sugar, a LOT of sugar compared to what you had been eating. I had baked cookies the day before. That night I texted Rick and told him I was struggling with temptation. I lasted a little while, then gave in and ate 2 cookies before bed. At some point during the night I got up and ate I don't know how many more. Yes, I sleep walk and have eaten in my sleep for years. No, I am not kidding. Up until now, only Rick and the boys have known about this. It is so freaking frustrating. So I wake up with that familiar icky feeling in my stomach, and head down stairs. I see there are only two cookies left in the ziplock. I have no idea how many there were when I went to bed, but it was a full plate. That was the common denominator in those two rounds of anxiety. I had eaten cookies a few weeks earlier, the day before I had the first round of anxiety. I was making cookies and salsa for Rick and the boys to take to the ranch, and I was eating some as I cooked. I would pull a batch out of the oven and eat one (*cough* two or three). I'd pull another batch out of the oven and eat one (or three more). Then I decided that salsa looked so good, maybe some chips and salsa wouldn't be out of line. So chips and a LOT of cookies. (I probably pulled 4-5 batches out of the oven. Multiply that by 2-3...yah, not so great). Once I realized that, I felt so much better emotionally. I still felt like crap physically, but at least I knew what I was working with. I just had to get through the rest of the day and stay the heck away from that much sugar.
It all clicked. Such an eye opener. Yeah, those cookies were good, but not worth feeling like that. Then my twisted thinking kicked in. (you'll love this). I can NEVER make cookies for my family again. What kind of mother am I? I won't even be able to bake them cookies. No, seriously, I was feeling like I was going to completely jack with their quality of life. I was ashamed that I am such a weak person that my poor family will have to suffer like that. Oh. My. Gosh. I can be such a trainwreck in my thinking. It occured to me yesterday that if Tanner had to choose between a happy mom that is quick to throw the frisbee, or having cookies baked...he would probably choose the former and date a girl that is a good baker. And I know for a fact that given the choice Rick would gladly forfeit homemade cookies for the wife he has had as of late.
More often than I would like, I choose something that I know is not good for me. I know I am not the only one with this struggle. Jesus said to his disciples in Matthew 6:13, " Watch and pray so that you will not fall into temptation. The spirit is willing, but the flesh is weak." So I will continue to watch and pray. I know that my flesh is weak. When I stumble, I will remember this current weakness is one more opportunity for me to lean into the Lord, settle into his grace and focus on him and his will for me. God reminded Paul in 2 Corinthians 12:9, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness". Paul sums it up in the following verses by saying, "Therfore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ's sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong." I, for one, am so grateful that perfection is not something to be desired or pursued. My struggles give me opportunity to seek the Lord. They also soften my heart for those around me who share similar burdens. Do you see your weaknesses as something to be grateful for or ashamed of?
Saturday, September 8, 2012
I am not afraid
I am coming to terms with how
often I see myself as a victim in my own life. Feeling like I had to react and
respond to other people's choices. Often I felt powerless and weak.We are not
called to live like that,For God has not
given us a spirit of fear and timidity, but of power, love, and
self-discipline(2 Tim 1:7)
I have a relationship in my life that has given me the opportunity to wrestle with this recently. This person is an addict, and I have known him all my life. About 2 years ago, I chose to step away from that relationship. Recently, he has come back and I found myself not knowing how to handle it. I found myself feeling angry and scared. If you have an active addict/alcoholic in your life, you understand the destruction and pain that comes with the disease. If you don't, suffice it to say that the disease of addiction is fierce and mean. I had a lot of thinking and praying to do.
I took a hard look at my fear. What was I scared of? I was scared of being hurt again. The Lord showed me something important. Even though this person's behavior had not changed, I was not obligated to receive the pain he was offering. Once again I was brought back to Phillipians 4:8. What this person offered was anger, lies, and manipulation. The scripture is clear that is not what I am to focus on. I can just let those things float on by me. I don't need to receive any of it. I don't need to react to any of it. I don't need to be scared, he can't hurt me if I don't give him the power to. I can not control what does, but I can control my half of the relationship. I have understood this truth for a long time. But I have never been able to apply it to this relationship specifically.What freedom. I could now be in the same room with him. I could make small talk and be polite. I no longer had my stomach in knots when I knew I was going to see him. I was free to feel sympathy for him. I was free to pray for him. I was free to forgive him. I have lived over 30 years feeling frustration, resentment and anger towards him. For the first time, I was feeling sorry for him. He simply would not pursue recovery. That has made me angry for the last 20 years. Now it makes me sad. I have been in recovery for 24 years, and I knew what he was missing. Me wanting it for him wasn't enough. If he didn't want it, there was nothing I could do.
I lived most of my life feeling responsible for people and things that were out of my control. If someone else was out of balance, I felt responsible to help realign them. That left me feeling inadequate and frustrated. There was always something or someone I was feeling guilty about. My life tipped out of balance. I was spending too much time worrying about other people and I began to neglect myself. Soon I stopped taking care of myself all together. Before I knew it I was 50 pounds overweight. (and I am only 5 feet tall) People in my life were still out of balance, and now I was too. How did that work for me?
It is good to be compassionate and encouraging. It is something else entirely to take responsibility for someone else's life. It has taken me a very long time to understand that we are all responsible for our own lives. I am not responsible for anyone else's life or happiness.
The Lord has been so faithful in my life. When I was drinking and using, he stood by patiently. Placing people and situations in my life to help me when I was ready. He didn't "make" me stop. I know he wanted what was best for me, but he never pushed it on me. He gave me the freedom to choose it. My first sponser told me that God is a gentlemen, he will wait to be invited in. God, who loves me more than anyone else, gave me the gift of free will. What a beautiful thing. If I am free to make my own mistakes, and my own choices, who am I to deny others the same freedom? Allowing them to reap the consequences of their choices is part of that equation. Respecting their right to do what they want with their life, releases me from feeling responsible.
Every day I have so many opportunities to make healthy choices (boundaries, food, exercise, time in the word, prayer, friendships). It brings to mind 1 Corinthians 10:31,"So whether you eat or drink or whatever you do, do it all for the glory of God". Are the decisions I make today in my life bringing Him glory? Held to that standard, things that used to tempt me, or intimidate me, no longer do. Because the focus is not on me. I am reminded again that my life is not my own. I am His. I am not a victim. I am not afraid.
I have a relationship in my life that has given me the opportunity to wrestle with this recently. This person is an addict, and I have known him all my life. About 2 years ago, I chose to step away from that relationship. Recently, he has come back and I found myself not knowing how to handle it. I found myself feeling angry and scared. If you have an active addict/alcoholic in your life, you understand the destruction and pain that comes with the disease. If you don't, suffice it to say that the disease of addiction is fierce and mean. I had a lot of thinking and praying to do.
I took a hard look at my fear. What was I scared of? I was scared of being hurt again. The Lord showed me something important. Even though this person's behavior had not changed, I was not obligated to receive the pain he was offering. Once again I was brought back to Phillipians 4:8. What this person offered was anger, lies, and manipulation. The scripture is clear that is not what I am to focus on. I can just let those things float on by me. I don't need to receive any of it. I don't need to react to any of it. I don't need to be scared, he can't hurt me if I don't give him the power to. I can not control what does, but I can control my half of the relationship. I have understood this truth for a long time. But I have never been able to apply it to this relationship specifically.What freedom. I could now be in the same room with him. I could make small talk and be polite. I no longer had my stomach in knots when I knew I was going to see him. I was free to feel sympathy for him. I was free to pray for him. I was free to forgive him. I have lived over 30 years feeling frustration, resentment and anger towards him. For the first time, I was feeling sorry for him. He simply would not pursue recovery. That has made me angry for the last 20 years. Now it makes me sad. I have been in recovery for 24 years, and I knew what he was missing. Me wanting it for him wasn't enough. If he didn't want it, there was nothing I could do.
I lived most of my life feeling responsible for people and things that were out of my control. If someone else was out of balance, I felt responsible to help realign them. That left me feeling inadequate and frustrated. There was always something or someone I was feeling guilty about. My life tipped out of balance. I was spending too much time worrying about other people and I began to neglect myself. Soon I stopped taking care of myself all together. Before I knew it I was 50 pounds overweight. (and I am only 5 feet tall) People in my life were still out of balance, and now I was too. How did that work for me?
It is good to be compassionate and encouraging. It is something else entirely to take responsibility for someone else's life. It has taken me a very long time to understand that we are all responsible for our own lives. I am not responsible for anyone else's life or happiness.
The Lord has been so faithful in my life. When I was drinking and using, he stood by patiently. Placing people and situations in my life to help me when I was ready. He didn't "make" me stop. I know he wanted what was best for me, but he never pushed it on me. He gave me the freedom to choose it. My first sponser told me that God is a gentlemen, he will wait to be invited in. God, who loves me more than anyone else, gave me the gift of free will. What a beautiful thing. If I am free to make my own mistakes, and my own choices, who am I to deny others the same freedom? Allowing them to reap the consequences of their choices is part of that equation. Respecting their right to do what they want with their life, releases me from feeling responsible.
Every day I have so many opportunities to make healthy choices (boundaries, food, exercise, time in the word, prayer, friendships). It brings to mind 1 Corinthians 10:31,"So whether you eat or drink or whatever you do, do it all for the glory of God". Are the decisions I make today in my life bringing Him glory? Held to that standard, things that used to tempt me, or intimidate me, no longer do. Because the focus is not on me. I am reminded again that my life is not my own. I am His. I am not a victim. I am not afraid.
Saturday, August 25, 2012
What if....
Well, I crossed the 25 pound mark this morning. I was not as happy as I had expected. I found myself hesitant. I actually got back on the scale to verify, almost expecting it to be wrong. Why am I so much more comfortable with failure than victory?
As far back as I can remember, there has been a side of me that dared to dream big and expect things to work out well. What I find odd is, that even though hope stirs deep in my soul, doubt still stirs in my mind. There is always a moment where my breath catches and my dreams take shape as I wonder.....what if?? Then almost as quickly, my mind can come up with a handful of reasons why it won't happen. The biggest question that circles in my mind is why would I deserve that?
Today I stand on the cusp of a few good things happening in my life. I realize my actions this morning are a pretty good picture of how I am feeling in general. I am hopeful, but hesitant. Should I really dare to dream big? What if these things don't work out? Who am I to expect brilliant things to happen in my life?
About six months ago I read a quote that said the best preparation for tomorrow is good use of today. I have taken that to heart and done my best to make the most of each day. Some days it has been easier than others. Some days the victory is small, but a victory none the less.
In my weight loss journey, it's the little choices that make the difference. I have been exercising regularly and eating healthy food consistently. The results of the last few months showed on the scale this morning. What I did yesterday didn't effect it too much, but what I have done for the last 55 yesterdays did. I have been doing what I know I need to do, and I let the results take care of themselves. My focus was on the daily walk, not the outcome.
The same needs to be true of all of my life. I need to spend time in his word, time talking and listening to him. Holding my dreams/thoughts/actions/relationships up to his truth, and let what doesn't line up fall away. Today, I want my to focus my attention on him, his will, and the people he has put in my life. I will continue to do what I can, and leave the rest to him. Why wouldn't I dream big? He is faithful.
A year ago, I would be wrestling with all of the possible outcomes. I would be playing out every possible scenerio, running through all of the "if thens". Today I can rest.My God is faithful and trustworthy. He can make all things work together for my good. I have made good use of my previous todays. I have prepared well for tomorrow. What if he is who he says he is? What if he loves me like he says he does? What if I submitted all of my life to him to do with as he desires?
As far back as I can remember, there has been a side of me that dared to dream big and expect things to work out well. What I find odd is, that even though hope stirs deep in my soul, doubt still stirs in my mind. There is always a moment where my breath catches and my dreams take shape as I wonder.....what if?? Then almost as quickly, my mind can come up with a handful of reasons why it won't happen. The biggest question that circles in my mind is why would I deserve that?
Today I stand on the cusp of a few good things happening in my life. I realize my actions this morning are a pretty good picture of how I am feeling in general. I am hopeful, but hesitant. Should I really dare to dream big? What if these things don't work out? Who am I to expect brilliant things to happen in my life?
About six months ago I read a quote that said the best preparation for tomorrow is good use of today. I have taken that to heart and done my best to make the most of each day. Some days it has been easier than others. Some days the victory is small, but a victory none the less.
In my weight loss journey, it's the little choices that make the difference. I have been exercising regularly and eating healthy food consistently. The results of the last few months showed on the scale this morning. What I did yesterday didn't effect it too much, but what I have done for the last 55 yesterdays did. I have been doing what I know I need to do, and I let the results take care of themselves. My focus was on the daily walk, not the outcome.
The same needs to be true of all of my life. I need to spend time in his word, time talking and listening to him. Holding my dreams/thoughts/actions/relationships up to his truth, and let what doesn't line up fall away. Today, I want my to focus my attention on him, his will, and the people he has put in my life. I will continue to do what I can, and leave the rest to him. Why wouldn't I dream big? He is faithful.
A year ago, I would be wrestling with all of the possible outcomes. I would be playing out every possible scenerio, running through all of the "if thens". Today I can rest.My God is faithful and trustworthy. He can make all things work together for my good. I have made good use of my previous todays. I have prepared well for tomorrow. What if he is who he says he is? What if he loves me like he says he does? What if I submitted all of my life to him to do with as he desires?
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