I am not afraid

I am coming to terms with how often I see myself as a victim in my own life. Feeling like I had to react and respond to other people's choices. Often I felt powerless and weak.We are not called to live like that,For God has not given us a spirit of fear and timidity, but of power, love, and self-discipline(2 Tim 1:7)

I have a relationship in my life that has given me the opportunity to wrestle with this recently. This person is an addict, and I have known him all my life. About 2 years ago, I chose to step away from that relationship. Recently, he has come back and I found myself not knowing how to handle it. I found myself feeling angry and scared. If you have an active addict/alcoholic in your life, you understand the destruction and pain that comes with the disease. If you don't, suffice it to say that the disease of addiction is fierce and mean. I had a lot of thinking and praying to do.

 I took a hard look at my fear. What was I scared of? I was scared of being hurt again. The Lord showed me something important. Even though this person's behavior had not changed, I was not obligated to receive the pain he was offering. Once again I was brought back to Phillipians 4:8. What this person offered was anger, lies, and manipulation. The scripture is clear that is not what I am to focus on. I can just let those things float on by me. I don't need to receive any of it. I don't need to react to any of it. I don't need to be scared, he can't hurt me if I don't give him the power to. I can not control what does, but I can control my half of the relationship. I have understood this truth for a long time. But I have never been able to apply it to this relationship specifically.What freedom. I could now be in the same room with him. I could make small talk and be polite. I no longer had my stomach in knots when I knew I was going to see him. I was free to feel sympathy for him. I was free to pray for him. I was free to forgive him. I have lived over 30 years feeling frustration, resentment and anger towards him. For the first time, I was feeling sorry for him. He simply would not pursue recovery. That has made me angry for the last 20 years. Now it makes me sad. I have been in recovery for 24 years, and I knew what he was missing. Me wanting it for him wasn't enough. If he didn't want it, there was nothing I could do.

I lived most of my life feeling responsible for people and things that were out of my control. If someone else was out of balance, I felt responsible to help realign them. That left me feeling inadequate and frustrated. There was always something or someone I was feeling guilty about. My life tipped out of balance. I was spending too much time worrying about other people and I began to neglect myself. Soon I stopped taking care of myself all together. Before I knew it I was 50 pounds overweight. (and I am only 5 feet tall) People in my life were still out of balance, and now I was too. How did that work for me?

It is good to be compassionate and encouraging. It is something else entirely to take responsibility for someone else's life. It has taken me a very long time to understand that we are all responsible for our own lives. I am not responsible for anyone else's life or happiness.

 The Lord has been so faithful in my life. When I was drinking and using, he stood by patiently. Placing people and situations in my life to help me when I was ready. He didn't "make" me stop. I know he wanted what was best for me, but he never pushed it on me. He gave me the freedom to choose it. My first sponser told me that God is a gentlemen, he will wait to be invited in. God, who loves me more than anyone else, gave me the gift of free will. What a beautiful thing. If I am free to make my own mistakes, and my own choices, who am I to deny others the same freedom? Allowing them to reap the consequences of their choices is part of that equation. Respecting their right to do what they want with their life, releases me from feeling responsible.

  Every day I have so many opportunities to make healthy choices (boundaries, food, exercise, time in the word, prayer, friendships). It brings to mind 1 Corinthians 10:31,"So whether you eat or drink or whatever you do, do it all for the glory of God".  Are the decisions I make today in my life bringing Him glory? Held to that standard, things that used to tempt me, or intimidate me, no longer do. Because the focus is not on me. I am reminded again that my life is not my own. I am His. I am not a victim. I am not afraid.

What if....

Well, I crossed the 25 pound mark this morning. I was not as happy as I had expected. I found myself hesitant. I actually got back on the scale to verify, almost expecting it to be wrong. Why am I so much more comfortable with failure than victory?

As far back as I can remember, there has been a side of me that dared to dream big and expect things to work out well. What I find odd is, that even though hope stirs deep in my soul, doubt still stirs in my mind. There is always a moment where my breath catches and my dreams take shape as I wonder.....what if?? Then almost as quickly, my mind can come up with a handful of reasons why it won't happen. The biggest question that circles in my mind is why would I deserve that?

Today I stand on the cusp of a few good things happening in my life.  I realize my actions this morning are a pretty good picture of how I am feeling in general. I am hopeful, but hesitant. Should I really dare to dream big? What if these things don't work out?  Who am I to expect brilliant things to happen in my life?

 About six months ago I read a quote that said the best preparation for tomorrow is good use of today. I have taken that to heart and done my best to make the most of each day. Some days it has been easier than others. Some days the victory is small, but a victory none the less.

In my weight loss journey, it's the little choices that make the difference. I have been exercising regularly and eating healthy food consistently. The results of the last few months showed on the scale this morning. What I did yesterday didn't effect it too much, but what I have done for the last 55 yesterdays did. I have been doing what I know I need to do, and I let the results take care of themselves. My focus was on the daily walk, not the outcome.

 The same needs to be true of all of my life. I need to spend time in his word, time talking and listening to him. Holding my dreams/thoughts/actions/relationships up to his truth, and let what doesn't line up fall away. Today, I want my to focus my attention on him, his will, and the people he has put in my life. I will continue to do what I can, and leave the rest to him. Why wouldn't I dream big? He is faithful.

A year ago, I would be wrestling with all of the possible outcomes. I would be playing out every possible scenerio, running through all of the "if thens".  Today I can rest.My God is faithful and trustworthy. He can make all things work together for my good. I have made good use of my previous todays. I have prepared well for tomorrow. What if he is who he says he is? What if he loves me like he says he does? What if I submitted all of my life to him to do with as he desires?

Bowling lessons

You know those moments in life when God's truth goes from knowledge to "ohhhhh......" I had one of those moments last night. (funny, it didn't hit me while I was in the middle of my day. It settled on my heart as I was winding down. That whole "be still and know" thing, there is something to be said for that)

 I was laying in bed thinking about my day. It had been a great day. I got to sleep in, have a little time to hang out with Rick and watch the news, then piddle around the house in the morning. I went to a noon class then got to spend the afternoon with Tanner. Some long overdue one on one time. We looked for some clothes and shoes for him (I got a fabulous new purse). We weren't in a hurry, had time to just talk and laugh as we ran errands. There is always a lot of laughing with Tanner, he is so stinking funny. It was just really nice. 

After hitting a couple of stores we went bowling. I am proud to say that I set two personal best records. I bowled 3 games in a row over 100. *Bow* and  I had an all time high score of 122. It was awesome.

 But what really was remarkable was my attitude. I guess I should back up a little here. We don't bowl often, maybe 3-4 times a year I guess. Usually, when I go, I am riddled with negative self talk. Every negative self image begins to glare, the negative tapes start playing. I am convinced that I am an embarrassment to my kids and my husband. I am ashamed of how I look, and I know that I will be horrible at bowling, just like everything else. Extreme, huh? I know. That thinking comes from the evil one. Remember, we have an enemy that is on the prowl. (1 Peter 5:8) Satan knows our weak spots and loves it when he sees an opening, especially in our thinking. For me, one main area of his attack is my relationship with my husband and kids. If he can get in my head during some family time and jack up my thinking and attitude, my family suffers. I had one of my WORST parenting moments at that bowling alley about a year and a half ago, and I am sure it is because Satan was busy busy in my thinking. I was so beat down and internally emotionally out of control, I made a mistake I will always regret.  My regret comes from hurting my son's heart. I did embarrass him, and I could have hurt our relationship.  It just reinforces why it is so important that we take our thoughts captive (2 Cor 10:3-5). There is a reason that we are told to think about what is TRUE, noble, right, pure. lovely, admirable (Phil 4:8). When we are distracted by things that are false, inappropriate, impure, dark, or shameful, there is room for that negative to be multiplied, for our minds to be deceived and our actions to be influenced.

Anyhow, back to yesterday. I felt confident and light hearted and comfortable in my body. Now that may sound weird to some of you, but I am sure there are a few who understand. Moving around in a body that is bigger than it is supposed to be is difficult. It is not easy to move freely. I am used to moving slow and feeling clumsy and embarrassed. I am only 7 weeks in to eating clean, but cutting out the sugar and processed foods has done me SO much good. Not only physically, but emotionally and spiritually. My mood swings have leveled out. I have not struggled with anxiety or depression (I have struggled with depression since I was a teen). I am realizing how much I would turn to food instead of God. My mind is clearer, my emotions are more stable, and  I feel physically stronger. I am not only closer to the Lord, but for the first time, I am appreciating how he made me, which has freed me to enjoy this life he has given me so MUCH more.

So here is where God tied it all together for me. For the last (almost) two months, I have been doing what I should be doing. I have been eating healthy food, exercising regularly and taking better care of myself (getting enough sleep, getting a massage here and there, spending time in the word, praying, writing).  I started off on the legalistic end of the spectrum. Focusing on all the "should nots" and marching through the rules. Then yesterday, I found myself experiencing life from a new perspective in light of the choices I had been making. Feeling the freedom that comes from living within healthy parameters.( I was enjoying time with my son, I was enjoying our life together. I was no longer focused on being afraid of looking silly or making mistakes. I was free to laugh and risk) My heart stirred, I began to desire taking care of myself instead of desiring to be skinny. Because I was experiencing the benefits of that focus. Wow. My motivation had shifted, from rule follower to a person who wanted to live in response. How cool is God? 

This is the spiritual shift that took place in my life. I was a Christ follower, being careful to do a good job of paying attention to the "should nots". I am sure he was happy I chose to follow him, and that I was being careful in my choices. But I am also sure that he was excitedly waiting....knowing that I was so close to understanding that was only the first half of the gospel. Yes he came for my salvation (John 3:16),what I was missing was that he came that I would also have abundant life.(John 10:10) He came that I would be free to experience the fruits of the spirit.(Gal 5:22) By focusing on the rules, I was making better choices(1 Tim 1:8), by focusing on him, I was free to experience Life(Romans 10:4). He wants me to flourish.(Eph 3:16-19) Not only so that I will enjoy this life he has given me, but also so I could impact others. He wants my life to shine, so that when others look at it, I can then point to him.(matthew 5:14-16)

It was such an "Ah ha" moment for me. Once again I am realizing that his truth and grace apply to EVERY area of my life.  He longs for me to live my life in response to his grace, yes even in my eating and exercise.. He longs for me to be free of the bondage that the law holds when I focus only on it. He wants me to appreciate just how wonderfully he made my body(Psalm 139:14-16), and in response to that awe, take good care of it.(Romans 12:1) When I am taking good care of it (living in response to grace), it will allow me to experience life on an entirely different level. That is freedom. 

Once again, the chains are broken. I've been set free. You know the rest.....my God and Savior has ransomed me. 

I love how God works. Grabbing my heart, reminding me of his amazing grace on a summer evening. As if a day spent enjoying my family wasn't enough. He had to make sure I remembered how much he loves me, and remind me that he has plans for me.

Gotta love those bowling lessons.

This is hard

So, the last few days I have been wrestling with a problem. I wanted to eat something. I didn't want to have to think about it, plan it out, or consider it's nutritional value...I wanted to be frivolous and grab something...dare I say it...out of the pantry. Maybe even out of the freezer. I didn't want it to be a fresh fruit, vegetable, or a lean meat. Not because I don't like those things....but because I was having a bit of a temper tantrum. I have been eating clean FOREVER (translation: since July 1). I have been exercising CONSTANTLY (translation: 3 days a week consistently, some weeks more). I have put SO MUCH effort into this, I DESERVE a treat. (truth: I didn't take care of myself for 10 years, there is a price to pay)

This is hard. I have to say no to a lot of things that I really enjoy. When I started the 10 day cleanse on July 1, I committed to no dairy, no bread, no sugar, no processed food. That is a lot of no. That is a lot of planning ahead to make sure that I have something healthy to eat for each meal and snack. But if I am being honest, it is really not that difficult. Fresh fruits and vegetables are plentiful. There is a lot to choose from that I really like. Having the fat and sugar out of my system now, the fresh food tastes SO much better.  So here I stand, at the tipping point. Will I focus on the positive, dig my heals in and finish strong, or will I focus on the negative and  allow myself to indulge in the self pity? I know what I want to do....and I know what I FEEL like doing. Two different things. It makes me think of Paul, who said, "I don't really understand myself, I want to do what is right, but I don't do it. Instead I do what I hate". (NLT Romans 7:15) I feel ya, Paul. I know that I feel SO much better. I have more energy, my attitude is better. Food actually tastes better. I am fitting in smaller clothes. I look better. I have more confidence. You would think that all of those things would make this a no brainer. I mean really? In light of ALL of that, why would a bowl of ice cream even be a struggle for me today? 

Sin.

Fear.

I believe both sin and fear are at the  root of my problem. This is a sin struggle for me. We all have our own. This is mine. The attitude of it can manifest in different ways, but no matter what it looks like (self pity, self indulgence), it is still an idol trying to push itself onto the throne of my life.  In Romans 7, Paul says it this way: " I have discovered this principle of life—that when I want to do what is right, I inevitably do what is wrong. I love God’s law with all my heart. But there is another power within me that is at war with my mind. This power makes me a slave to the sin that is still within me. Oh, what a miserable person I am! Who will free me from this life that is dominated by sin and death? Thank God! The answer is in Jesus Christ our Lord. So you see how it is: In my mind I really want to obey God’s law, but because of my sinful nature I am a slave to sin.

I am a slave to sin. Jesus, and his endless grace are my freedom. I want my life, every bit of it, to be an act of worship. I want my eyes to be on him ,and my heart to be pointing others to him.  I know that when I put him first, everything else will fall into place. (Mat 6:33).  I want to fill my thoughts with his desires, and take his character as the pattern for my life. I know with everything that I am that he wants the very best for me.  Is indulging in something like chips or ice cream going to move me closer to that, or will it just fuel that negative thinking and self loathing? I hate to go all 80’s on you but, WWJD?  He would lean into his father, and he would tell Satan to jump off.  So I will lean in and remember what it says in 1 Cor 10:13 “ The temptations in your life are no different from what others experience. And God is faithful. He will not allow the temptation to be more than you can stand. When you are tempted, he will show you a way out so that you can endure.” Long story short, no, making good choices in this area is not very easy for me. I have indulged in half measures and justifications. But in the grand scheme of things….so what if it’s hard? Life is hard. He is faithful, I have access to plenty of healthy food and people who are encouraging me and teaching me and loving me. Living my best life means having to learn to say no sometimes. I need to stop being so myopic in the vision I have for my life. I need to dream bigger than today. What would God be able to do in and through my life if I was completely surrendered to him, in EVERY area?

Fear. Such a master of disguises in my life.  Fear is also one of satan’s favorite weapons to use against me. (I have to remember what it says in Isaiah 54:17; that no weapon formed against me will prosper)For me, fear can look like anger, insecurity, jealousy, arrogance, and often, self sabotage. I can get so close to a goal or dream and end up watching it slip through my fingers. I don’t actively pursue the destruction. It’s much more passive-aggressive in nature. Something (Satan) will happen (self doubt or justification) and I get distracted. This has been a pattern in my life, and it has always left me feeling like a victim.  I have always believed that if I was stronger, more disciplined, had more faith, was a better person, THEN I would have had victory.  But because I was weak, I failed .That is until today. Today I choose to call it what it is. A spiritual attack. The fact that there is an arrow pointed at me, and at my life, pisses me off.   So, I will call it what it is, and I will do what I need to do. I will put on the full armor of God (Eph 6:10-18) and I will offer my life, my body, as a living sacrifice, holy and pleasing to the Lord. (Romans 12:1-2). 

Scripture. It is alive and amazing. When I started writing this blog today, I was feeling beat down, fearful, and a little sorry for myself. Poor me, no chips or sweets to eat. Poor me, I still have to quite a bit of weight to lose. Poor me, I have to fight for  what I want. Now, after praying, writing, and digging through some scripture, I am determined, energized, and grateful. Realizing that this battle with my weight is simply the thorn in my flesh, I find myself liberated. I need not be ashamed and embarrassed by my weakness. I see that without it, I would be all too inclined to plow ahead with little regard to God and His will for my life, leaning instead on my own self sufficiency.  Embracing my weakness makes room for Christ (2 Cor 12:7-10) for his ever present grace  and the story redemption he is writing in my life.

Suddenly, not eating some chips doesn’t seem like that big of a deal.

On the practical side

So, one of the many benefits that have come from taking a good look at who I am is that I have a better understanding of what I like and don't like. Sounds a little ridiculous that at my age, I am just figuring this out, I know.

One of my biggest "ah-ha!"s was realizing that finding a form of exercise that fit my personality was just as important as finding one that fit my schedule. I have been a member of  24 hour fitness for years. I didn't enjoy going. Which is why I didn't go. Which was why I was fat. Funny how one follows the other there, huh?

So it all started when I contacted a friend of a friend who is a (fantastic) personal trainer. She was my safe place to face the brunt of my negative self image. I think back to our one on one time and remember how ashamed I was of my body, and of myself. It was so hard for me to do my exercises, physically because I was 45 pounds overweight, but also emotionally. I was so weighed down by the shame. I would do the sit ups or push ups and think to myself how awful I must look as she stood watching me. Ugh. Talk about being in the valley. One day, she made a comment about boxing. I was interested. So she got out the gloves and the mits....now that was FUN!

The company my husband worked for closed, and budget needed to be squeezed, so there was no more room for my one on one after those 10 sessions. I was able to attend a boxing fitness class of hers for another few months, and that is where I started to really love it. Now oldest son is going off to college and budget needs to be redesigned again. I needed to find something closer and with a lower cost.

Along comes Title Boxing. It opens less than 5 miles away. This is where it all clicks. I am not just a number walking in the door. Not only am I greeted by name as I walk in, I am known by the trainers. I am not just a face in the class. They see me. They know what it looks like when I work hard, and when I am coasting. They notice when I am having a rough day, they see when my thinking turns negative in the middle of a class and call me out of it. If I don't come to one of my normal classes, I am asked where I was. This builds such a sense of community, that it encourages all of us taking classes. We learn each others names, we encourage each other, we throw in a little trash talk to push each other, and we laugh together. That is when I realize that this is the environment I have always been looking for. I am built with a need for relationship. I love being around people, I love encouraging others, and I am motivated by seeing strength and courage in others.

It all makes sense. It lines up completely with how God created me. It's no wonder that I feel the way I do here. It is the perfect fit for my personality. This is just reinforcement that it is so important to take the time to know and embrace how you were created. Because once you do that, you will be able to find your sweet spot, and begin pursue God's best for you. He desires for you to flourish, he has placed people around you to encourage you and lead you toward your next season. Stop hiding. Don't play it safe anymore. As William Shed said, "A ship in the harbor is safe, but that is not what ships are built for". You were not created to live a safe life. Transition is uncomfortable.

Are you scared? That is ok. Do it afraid. Courage is not the absence of fear, it is the act of stepping out in fear. What are you scared of? Making a mistake? Failing? Here is a news flash.... life is messy. So get out there, make some mistakes and learn along the way. Try something new. If you don't like it, try something else. If your not getting the results you want, tweak it...just DO something. A change of outlook follows a change in action. The catalyst of a new season doesn't have to be time. Many times a new season is born out of a new understanding. Today, my prayer is that you realize that you were created for more.

A powerful life is not one that we were born into, or one we stumble into living. It is a life we have chosen to live. In submitting our hearts to God, we become open to pursuing a life that will impact and bless others. One that will leave a wake of challenge and encouragement and grace behind it for generations.

Yahbut

My Achilles heal. Justification. I can always come up with a reason why I deserve to eat what I want, why I should rest instead of workout, why I should isolate instead of spend time with friends. My best thinking got me to my lowest places. Talk about self will run riot. Take away lesson? My life needs to build on God's truth, not my feelings.

I have always had a tender heart. Growing up, I collected little pieces of who others told me I was. As a little girl I was told I was vaccinated with a phonograph needle. I was precocious. (both always said with a sharp tongue and an eyeroll-cluing me in to the fact that being smart and talkative were negative traits). I was a puppet. I was a nark. I was clumsy. I was too much. I was not enough. These are the adjectives that I believed described me. I carried this picture of myself into adulthood. Truth be told, this is how I saw myself until last year. I was never enough, I was too emotional, I was draining. Satan loves to get into our thinking, tie emotion to an event, or to a thought, and twist it just enough to keep us in bondage. Somehow the truth that others could not appreciate the way that I was created was morphed into a false belief that I must not have been good enough. I came to a place where I believed that my love for relationships and the ease with which I can talk to people were negative character traits. I love to write, but it seemed ridiculous to dream of writing a book. I always believed I was clumsy, turns out I love to work out and be active.  What lies about yourself have you collected over the years? I encourage you to let that question be the prompt for some more writing in your notebook.

So, it is clear that my self esteem didn't fall under the healthy range. I believe that my poor self image and desire to hide were fuel to my Yahbuts. I could always come up with a reason why I couldn't. Couldn't what, you ask? You can fill in the blank.... Couldn't stick to a diet. Couldn't stick to an exercise plan. Couldn't set healthy boundaries. Couldn't embrace who I was. Couldn't see how beautifully God created me. Couldn't see that I was worth the effort. Couldn't see the blessing I could bring to others. So many snares. They kept me in the dark. They kept me in fear. Occasionally, I would dare to step out a little, but the Yahbuts would chase me back in. My spirit would stir, " I want to loose weight", Yah, but you'll never loose all of the weight you need to loose. My lonely heart would  desire friendship. Yah, but you aren't loveable. People will be nice to you, but they will never love you....never really love you. I want to be a good wife. Yah, but you are too emotional, your too much to deal with. I want to be a good mom. Yah, but you've never been good enough. Before I knew it, Yah buts took over my thinking. I should go exercise....Yah, but I'm tired.  I should pass on dessert tonight....Yah, but it's been a rough week I deserve a treat. I should not eat that box of Cheez Its....Yah, but it's pms week...I always had a reason, and I always felt less than.

Today I am so grateful that I could not loose the weight. Oh, my weight would fluctuate, but I never could reach my goal, and the weight would never stay gone. Don't get me wrong, it hurt. A LOT. But for me, that was necessary.(I tend to learn my lessons the hard way.)  My self esteem was directly tied to my weight. If I could just hit that magic number, I knew I would be happy and lovable.  My heavenly father saw me struggle with that, and I have no doubt it broke his heart. He placed people in my life to speak of what they saw in me. He was relentless in encouraging me to do the hard work. To get to a place where I could love myself, as he created me. I had to learn to love myself first, because if my self esteem was based on a number instead Him, it was worthless. It was quicksand. A  worthless idol that could be wiped away. A worthless idol that SHOULD be wiped away. 

Little by slow, my heart softened. I started with biblical counseling through my church. It was there that I became willing to see myself as God sees me. It was a VERY slow process,, I had a very negative and critical opinion of myself. I would step out and  receive some truth, than run back into my shell and hide for a while. Then I would get uncomfortable, and again reach out, receive a little truth, and run back into my shell and hide. I am talking years, here. Please, let me encourage you, go ahead, step out. Yes, it is hard work.Yes, it means moving in a different direction. It takes looking at the broken parts of our hearts and our lives,and exchanging our lies for his truth. 

It can be easy for us, as believers, to receive the truth that we are called to love others as we love ourselves.(mat 22:39) We focus so much on the first part of that sentence...and can often negate the second half. Jesus calls us to love others, carefully and intentionally. Which means he is expecting that we will be careful and intentional as we love and care for ourselves. He wants us to love and embrace who we are, and take good care of ourselves.... spiritually, emotionally, physically. Because then, we will be ready to extend his endless grace and love to those he has placed in our lives. This is freedom. (Gal 5:13-14) This is where the fruits of the spirit bubble up out of our hearts and wrap those around us in encouragement and truth and blessing. (Gal 5:22-23)

Appreciating his beautiful handwork in us frees us to appreciate his beautiful handiwork in others. 

What are your Yahbuts? Are you ready to exchange them for his truth?

 Please, please leave comments. I see that a number of people have seen my blog. I would love to hear your thoughts. 

So I have already found myself caught in the snare of trying to do this "right". ( a fairly consistent theme in my life. Being good enough, worthy, lovable) I was thinking about this blog last night and trying to narrow down my goal. It turns out to be simple, my heartbeat is to encourage other woman who struggle with self image and weight loss. It has been such bondage for me. My self image was negative for so many years. I would love to tell you there was one defining moment that changed everything. But for me, like it was in my sobriety and my faith, it has been more of a winding path. God placing people in my life to speak truth into me and encourage me to walk in a different direction. I could not see the "big picture". I would just move forward. Honestly, sometimes in despair,or in distrust. I was in a place of not being able to envision a life free from the shackles of being overweight, of my negative thinking, and fear. So there were points that I wasn't necessarily moving towards something (because I couldn't see it for myself) as much as being willing to move away from the pain. So often in my life, when I couldn't believe, He surrounded me with people who did. I believed that they believed, and often, that was my starting point.

I was worried last night. I am sure there will be woman reading this with all kinds of life stories. You are coming from different places. How can I reach and encourage such a variety of woman? Some of you struggle with self image as I did, some do not. How do I address what I did to confront my negative thinking without boring those who don't struggle with it? As quickly as I thought it, I was reminded that this is not about me. It is not about what I can or can't do. It is about what God has done in my life. That is what I want to share.

I guess a good place to wrap up is to share what I believe. I believe there is a loving creator who longs for you to have more than this. He loves you so much he sent His son, Jesus, to die for you salvation. (you specifically, not everyone else plus you. You were not lumped in. He came for YOU) But, there is so much more. That is not where the story ends. He came that we would have abundant life. Here and now. He took such care and created you with such love. He placed in you all of the gifts and talents and quirks and weaknesses on purpose. He arranged and rearranged until He saw you, just as He envisioned you would be. I can't help but see him smiling, "That's my girl". For so many years I apologized for who I was. I cry easily. I like watching birds. I love to talk to people. I am not organized. I worry too much. I get nervous and say pretty ridiculous things. I procrastinate. I was embarrassed by my weaknesses and shortcomings so much, that I began to hide. I was not good enough. It was almost as if my life had a sign over it announcing to everyone around me, "I'm sorry". This was not the life Jesus died for me to have. I believe it made him sad that I was missing the other half of salvation. He made us different on purpose. (I love 1 Cor 12:4-31). I was so focused on the strengths and gifts of those around me, all I could see was that I did not look like them. I could not see that I had strengths and gifts and talents of my own. God had given these to me to glorify Him. Yes I had weaknesses and struggles as well. But I have come to realize that without those, I would not be too inclined to pursue a life following Christ. I would be doing it on my own. (I've seen where that gets me). So I have come to a place of accepting not only my strengths and gifts, but my weaknesses and quirks also. That is freedom.  The way he made me was beautiful. I am beautiful. I could not say that for most of my life. If you are in a place where that doesn't feel true for you, take heart. There is hope. Because this is your truth as well. You are beautiful.

I started from a place of disengaging the emotion and focusing on the logical. (this was important because I am a very emotional person and God did not call us to build our life on how we feel. He called us to build our life on His truth). So my truth here was rooted in Psalm 139. God knows me intimately. He created me carefully. The logic that follows is that He would not put such care and love into creating me without having a calling for my life. I wanted to follow His will for my life, and felt like before I could do that, I would have to come to a place of embracing how He made me. So, my starting point in my notebook was listing out who I was. Things I liked and enjoyed. Character traits that I had. Things I struggled with. You see, I had worried so much for the last 20 years about being a "good" wife and mother that I focused on those roles and lost me. So it was interesting for me to see this picture of myself on paper. I liked talking to people. I liked bird watching and hiking. I love nature. Praying during worship is an intimate place with God for me. I am competitive and stubborn. I would just add to it as I thought of things. It was really a great exercise for me. Because in black and white, it made no sense that I was embarrassed that I loved watching birds. So what if my family thought it was lame. I love it. God put that love of nature in me.

I would encourage you to start there. Spend some time with the Lord. Ask Him to show you how He made you, and  what He loves about you. Put pen to paper. I can promise you, He can't wait to show you. He can't wait for you to see and celebrate His work in you! He longs for you to embrace how He created you so you can flourish in the life He has given you.

I am praying for you.