Yahbut

My Achilles heal. Justification. I can always come up with a reason why I deserve to eat what I want, why I should rest instead of workout, why I should isolate instead of spend time with friends. My best thinking got me to my lowest places. Talk about self will run riot. Take away lesson? My life needs to build on God's truth, not my feelings.

I have always had a tender heart. Growing up, I collected little pieces of who others told me I was. As a little girl I was told I was vaccinated with a phonograph needle. I was precocious. (both always said with a sharp tongue and an eyeroll-cluing me in to the fact that being smart and talkative were negative traits). I was a puppet. I was a nark. I was clumsy. I was too much. I was not enough. These are the adjectives that I believed described me. I carried this picture of myself into adulthood. Truth be told, this is how I saw myself until last year. I was never enough, I was too emotional, I was draining. Satan loves to get into our thinking, tie emotion to an event, or to a thought, and twist it just enough to keep us in bondage. Somehow the truth that others could not appreciate the way that I was created was morphed into a false belief that I must not have been good enough. I came to a place where I believed that my love for relationships and the ease with which I can talk to people were negative character traits. I love to write, but it seemed ridiculous to dream of writing a book. I always believed I was clumsy, turns out I love to work out and be active.  What lies about yourself have you collected over the years? I encourage you to let that question be the prompt for some more writing in your notebook.

So, it is clear that my self esteem didn't fall under the healthy range. I believe that my poor self image and desire to hide were fuel to my Yahbuts. I could always come up with a reason why I couldn't. Couldn't what, you ask? You can fill in the blank.... Couldn't stick to a diet. Couldn't stick to an exercise plan. Couldn't set healthy boundaries. Couldn't embrace who I was. Couldn't see how beautifully God created me. Couldn't see that I was worth the effort. Couldn't see the blessing I could bring to others. So many snares. They kept me in the dark. They kept me in fear. Occasionally, I would dare to step out a little, but the Yahbuts would chase me back in. My spirit would stir, " I want to loose weight", Yah, but you'll never loose all of the weight you need to loose. My lonely heart would  desire friendship. Yah, but you aren't loveable. People will be nice to you, but they will never love you....never really love you. I want to be a good wife. Yah, but you are too emotional, your too much to deal with. I want to be a good mom. Yah, but you've never been good enough. Before I knew it, Yah buts took over my thinking. I should go exercise....Yah, but I'm tired.  I should pass on dessert tonight....Yah, but it's been a rough week I deserve a treat. I should not eat that box of Cheez Its....Yah, but it's pms week...I always had a reason, and I always felt less than.

Today I am so grateful that I could not loose the weight. Oh, my weight would fluctuate, but I never could reach my goal, and the weight would never stay gone. Don't get me wrong, it hurt. A LOT. But for me, that was necessary.(I tend to learn my lessons the hard way.)  My self esteem was directly tied to my weight. If I could just hit that magic number, I knew I would be happy and lovable.  My heavenly father saw me struggle with that, and I have no doubt it broke his heart. He placed people in my life to speak of what they saw in me. He was relentless in encouraging me to do the hard work. To get to a place where I could love myself, as he created me. I had to learn to love myself first, because if my self esteem was based on a number instead Him, it was worthless. It was quicksand. A  worthless idol that could be wiped away. A worthless idol that SHOULD be wiped away. 

Little by slow, my heart softened. I started with biblical counseling through my church. It was there that I became willing to see myself as God sees me. It was a VERY slow process,, I had a very negative and critical opinion of myself. I would step out and  receive some truth, than run back into my shell and hide for a while. Then I would get uncomfortable, and again reach out, receive a little truth, and run back into my shell and hide. I am talking years, here. Please, let me encourage you, go ahead, step out. Yes, it is hard work.Yes, it means moving in a different direction. It takes looking at the broken parts of our hearts and our lives,and exchanging our lies for his truth. 

It can be easy for us, as believers, to receive the truth that we are called to love others as we love ourselves.(mat 22:39) We focus so much on the first part of that sentence...and can often negate the second half. Jesus calls us to love others, carefully and intentionally. Which means he is expecting that we will be careful and intentional as we love and care for ourselves. He wants us to love and embrace who we are, and take good care of ourselves.... spiritually, emotionally, physically. Because then, we will be ready to extend his endless grace and love to those he has placed in our lives. This is freedom. (Gal 5:13-14) This is where the fruits of the spirit bubble up out of our hearts and wrap those around us in encouragement and truth and blessing. (Gal 5:22-23)

Appreciating his beautiful handwork in us frees us to appreciate his beautiful handiwork in others. 

What are your Yahbuts? Are you ready to exchange them for his truth?

 Please, please leave comments. I see that a number of people have seen my blog. I would love to hear your thoughts. 

So I have already found myself caught in the snare of trying to do this "right". ( a fairly consistent theme in my life. Being good enough, worthy, lovable) I was thinking about this blog last night and trying to narrow down my goal. It turns out to be simple, my heartbeat is to encourage other woman who struggle with self image and weight loss. It has been such bondage for me. My self image was negative for so many years. I would love to tell you there was one defining moment that changed everything. But for me, like it was in my sobriety and my faith, it has been more of a winding path. God placing people in my life to speak truth into me and encourage me to walk in a different direction. I could not see the "big picture". I would just move forward. Honestly, sometimes in despair,or in distrust. I was in a place of not being able to envision a life free from the shackles of being overweight, of my negative thinking, and fear. So there were points that I wasn't necessarily moving towards something (because I couldn't see it for myself) as much as being willing to move away from the pain. So often in my life, when I couldn't believe, He surrounded me with people who did. I believed that they believed, and often, that was my starting point.

I was worried last night. I am sure there will be woman reading this with all kinds of life stories. You are coming from different places. How can I reach and encourage such a variety of woman? Some of you struggle with self image as I did, some do not. How do I address what I did to confront my negative thinking without boring those who don't struggle with it? As quickly as I thought it, I was reminded that this is not about me. It is not about what I can or can't do. It is about what God has done in my life. That is what I want to share.

I guess a good place to wrap up is to share what I believe. I believe there is a loving creator who longs for you to have more than this. He loves you so much he sent His son, Jesus, to die for you salvation. (you specifically, not everyone else plus you. You were not lumped in. He came for YOU) But, there is so much more. That is not where the story ends. He came that we would have abundant life. Here and now. He took such care and created you with such love. He placed in you all of the gifts and talents and quirks and weaknesses on purpose. He arranged and rearranged until He saw you, just as He envisioned you would be. I can't help but see him smiling, "That's my girl". For so many years I apologized for who I was. I cry easily. I like watching birds. I love to talk to people. I am not organized. I worry too much. I get nervous and say pretty ridiculous things. I procrastinate. I was embarrassed by my weaknesses and shortcomings so much, that I began to hide. I was not good enough. It was almost as if my life had a sign over it announcing to everyone around me, "I'm sorry". This was not the life Jesus died for me to have. I believe it made him sad that I was missing the other half of salvation. He made us different on purpose. (I love 1 Cor 12:4-31). I was so focused on the strengths and gifts of those around me, all I could see was that I did not look like them. I could not see that I had strengths and gifts and talents of my own. God had given these to me to glorify Him. Yes I had weaknesses and struggles as well. But I have come to realize that without those, I would not be too inclined to pursue a life following Christ. I would be doing it on my own. (I've seen where that gets me). So I have come to a place of accepting not only my strengths and gifts, but my weaknesses and quirks also. That is freedom.  The way he made me was beautiful. I am beautiful. I could not say that for most of my life. If you are in a place where that doesn't feel true for you, take heart. There is hope. Because this is your truth as well. You are beautiful.

I started from a place of disengaging the emotion and focusing on the logical. (this was important because I am a very emotional person and God did not call us to build our life on how we feel. He called us to build our life on His truth). So my truth here was rooted in Psalm 139. God knows me intimately. He created me carefully. The logic that follows is that He would not put such care and love into creating me without having a calling for my life. I wanted to follow His will for my life, and felt like before I could do that, I would have to come to a place of embracing how He made me. So, my starting point in my notebook was listing out who I was. Things I liked and enjoyed. Character traits that I had. Things I struggled with. You see, I had worried so much for the last 20 years about being a "good" wife and mother that I focused on those roles and lost me. So it was interesting for me to see this picture of myself on paper. I liked talking to people. I liked bird watching and hiking. I love nature. Praying during worship is an intimate place with God for me. I am competitive and stubborn. I would just add to it as I thought of things. It was really a great exercise for me. Because in black and white, it made no sense that I was embarrassed that I loved watching birds. So what if my family thought it was lame. I love it. God put that love of nature in me.

I would encourage you to start there. Spend some time with the Lord. Ask Him to show you how He made you, and  what He loves about you. Put pen to paper. I can promise you, He can't wait to show you. He can't wait for you to see and celebrate His work in you! He longs for you to embrace how He created you so you can flourish in the life He has given you.

I am praying for you.

Welcome!

So...thank you for visiting my blog! I hope this is a place where you will find encouragement as you seek what God has in store for you. I'd love to tell you that I have a plan for this and I know exactly where I am going with it. Truth be told, I have no freaking idea. But hey, you'll at least get what you pay for out of it, right?

The main focus will be weight loss and surrounding topics. Self image, faith, nutrition, exercise, friendship, motivation. There is so much more to this subject for me than a number on the scale. I feel like I have learned a lot this past year and would love to encourage others in this area. I am open to feedback and suggestions. : )

Please keep in mind that what I have to share is purely personal opinion that has been formed from personal (and often messy) experience. I don't have any degrees in theology or nutrition or exercise. I don't claim to be an expert in any of it. What I have to share is my experience, strength, and hope. My hope (and life) is found in Christ, if there is anything that I share that does not line up with His truth, disregard it completely.

So, I guess this is where we start. : )   Ready?