It has been 8 months since I have posted. That was not intentional. Life got busy. I actually forgot about my blog. I started reading Jon Acuff's book "Start" today and in it he referred to his blog. Oh. My. Gosh. My blog!

Well, a lot has gone on in the last 32 weeks. And by a lot, I mean nothing. A lot AND nothing. Isn't that how life is? So, I am still learning lessons, struggling with insecurities, and putting one foot in front of the other. I have now lost 40 pounds. 40 and sticking. I have been at this plateau for months. My eating is pretty much the same, mostly veggies, fruit and lean meats. I have had a few multi week long bouts of eating whatever I wanted. And by that I mean chocolate, chips, chocolate, cookies,and some chocolate. Yes, that effected my depression/anxiety. Ick. I don't stay in it as long, that in and of itself is progress. I baked about 12 dozen oatmeal cookies this week.  Yeah. There is a reason I haven't baked them in a long time. They are WAY to freaking good. I can not stay out of them.

I have some sitting here at my desk right now. I brought them for someone at work. I told him yesterday I would bring them. He isn't here...and now I am thinking...mmmmmmm.....cookies.

So, yah. I'm still doing it. Still working toward a healthy weight and a healthy body. It is more of a lifestyle for me now than a diet. It's not hard to eat the right food. It does take planning ahead, and that isn't always easy, only because life is busy. My hours at work have increased to full time, and I am married with one son still at home. I also volunteer for a non profit start up. Lucky for me I can do a lot of that work while I am at my paying job. (Yes, I have the blessing of my employers on that) But it is doable.  I don't enjoy the alarm going off before 5am four or five days a week, but  I do love pushing myself physically and seeing the people I work out with in the mornings. Walking in, hearing the music, saying good morning to my workout buddies, and being greeted by name and with a smile is good for my soul. I feel connected. And I feel like me there. It really is the first place I have had in 20 years, that I am just Chris. People don't know me in relation to me being a mother or a wife. I am just Chris. That has been very different. Most of the friendships I have made in the last few decades have been kid centric. I became friends with people who where within the sphere of my sons' lives. In the neighborhood, in church, in scouts, in school. For the first time a few months ago, I introduced my husband and sons to a couple of my friends, instead of the other way around. I really enjoyed that.

So that being said, I am back to writing about this process. I have learned so much along the way. I have come to really understand how important it is for us to keep our hearts open. I have learned so much about the way God made me. And though it has been a VERY slow process, I am coming to appreciate how he made me. I actually like who I am for the first time in a LONG LONG time. I have learned that who I saw myself as is not necessarily how others saw me. And more importantly, not how God created me. The first time I shared with my husband and son that I was ashamed of a character trait I had took a LOT of courage. (I felt like I was completely overbearing and too loud) I risked being vulnerable and told them that I was extremely embarrassed and shamed by that part of my personality. They both looked at me like I was crazy, and told me that isn't how they see me AT ALL. As a matter of fact, they would not use those words to describe me. At all. Wait, what? Really? These guys know me better than ANYONE else. I searched their eyes, I mean SEARCHED their eyes for assurance....that they really meant what they had just said. I was overwhelmed and teared up (not out of character for me). Is it possible that my perception of myself is THAT distorted? Have I really been feeling ashamed and embarrassed by character traits that I don't even have? What kind of crazy bondage is that? Somewhere along the way, I accepted that as being true about me. There have been a lot of things that I accepted as truth about me that are absolutely false. People may have spoken those words about me, but that does not mean that they are accurate. I am not too much, or hard to take, or overbearing. I am actually lovable, funny and tenderhearted.  Having a heart open to teaching and risking is so important. I would never have known the real truth without it. What we tell ourselves about who we are is important. It needs to be grounded in REAL truth. What do you tell yourself?

What we tell others about themselves is important too. How do you speak about and to the people in your life? Do you "joke" about their shortcomings, make fun of their struggles or weaknesses? Do you use them as the butt of a joke when the opportunity arises? I was inspired by a woman at my church years ago who made a comment that she would not make a disparaging comment about her family, not even in jest. That really struck me. I grew up in a family who consistently will poke fun. (and consistently wound). I thought about that. When my boys thought about their mother, how did I want them to feel about the words they had heard me speak over and about them during their life? The answer was easy, and I made the commitment to myself and to God that day, that people would not hear disparaging words from me. I have fallen short, but my commitment remains. I will use my words to build up and not tear down. Proverbs 12:18 says, The words of the reckless pierce like swords, but the tongue of the wise brings healing." Who in your life needs words of affirmation from you today?

2 things about food that surprise me

The first thing that surprises me about food  is how GOOD whole food tastes once I cleared all of the crap out of my diet. As I've mentioned, I cleaned up my eating beginning on July 1st. (mentioned in my Aug 15 post) About a month into that, the food I was eating began to taste SO GOOD. I mean crazy delicious, where I am just savoring every bite. Here are some examples. I made meatballs with Jenny O ground turkey and had that with spaghetti squash. OH MY GOSH, so good. I made brussel sprouts this week ( I had never liked them before) and I was so sad that there were no more left overs. Seriously, I could have eaten some every day. One thing I have to have at least twice a week is sliced sweet potatos sauteed in olive oil and sea salt. Those days where I feel like "snacking" that is my go to.  Spinach with onions, steamed carrots with a little sea salt, all of it. So good. It is weird what all that sugar and fat and processed food does to our taste buds. And we have NO idea unless we try living without it.   I did the 10 cleanse by Advocare. (To be honest, I had no intention of doing more than 10 days.) Yes, it was hard to break away from it, but I felt like I could make it through ten days. I mean, that isn't even two weeks. By the time day 11 hit, I decided I was feeling so much better that I would continue till the end of the month. By the time Aug 1 rolled around, I thought, I'm doing so well, I'll keep going until I reach my goal. Now, it is just how I eat and I have no intention of  changing it. Once I hit my goal weight, I will probably add in sprouted/whole grain bread here and there, maybe a little cheese now and again. But I will continue eating the way that I do over all. Sure, I will allow for a treat once in a while, but after seeing what sugar does to how I feel...I have no desire to open those floodgates at all. Which brings me to the second thing that surprises me about food.

Sugar is evil. I have always assumed that sugar probably added to my depression/anxiety, but I had NO IDEA how much. I have had two rounds of anxiety since July 1.(which is amazing).  Last Sunday I woke up SO anxious. I mean bad. I had to do the whole, "nothing is wrong. Everyone is happy and healthy. Nothing bad is on the horizon. This is not valid" talk to myself all morning. I headed to the gym because I know I always feel so much better after a good workout. I struggled through the whole class. My heart was racing so bad I had to keep backing off and walking around the gym. The trainer kept asking me if I was ok, he knew that was not me. It was awful. On top of the physical symptoms, I was so frustrated.  I believed I had found the right combination of eating and exercise that would keep my depression/anxiety at bay, and I was so upset that this was still going to be something to fight. So I was praying all through class, asking God why this was happening, why was I feeling like this? What had I done to spur on these two attacks in the last month? And it occurs to me. Sugar. You had sugar, a LOT of sugar compared to what you had been eating. I had baked cookies the day before. That night I texted Rick and told him I was struggling with temptation. I lasted a little while, then gave in and ate 2 cookies before bed. At some point during the night I got up and ate I don't know how many more. Yes, I sleep walk and have eaten in my sleep for years. No, I am not kidding. Up until now, only Rick and the boys have known about this. It is so freaking frustrating. So I wake up with that familiar icky feeling in my stomach, and head down stairs. I see there are only two cookies left in the ziplock. I have no idea how many there were when I went to bed, but it was a full plate. That was the common denominator in those two rounds of anxiety. I had eaten cookies a few weeks earlier, the day before I had the first round of anxiety. I was making cookies and salsa for Rick and the boys to take to the ranch, and I was eating some as I cooked. I would pull a batch out of the oven and eat one (*cough* two or three). I'd pull another batch out of the oven and eat one (or three more). Then I decided that salsa looked so good, maybe some chips and salsa wouldn't be out of line. So chips and a LOT of cookies. (I probably pulled 4-5 batches out of the oven. Multiply that by 2-3...yah, not so great). Once I realized that, I felt so much better emotionally. I still felt like crap physically, but at least I knew what I was working with. I just had to get through the rest of the day and stay the heck away from that much sugar.

It all clicked. Such an eye opener. Yeah, those cookies were good, but not worth feeling like that. Then my twisted thinking kicked in. (you'll love this). I can NEVER make cookies for my family again. What kind of mother am I? I won't even be able to bake them cookies. No, seriously, I was feeling like I was going to completely jack with their quality of life. I was ashamed that I am such a weak person that my poor family will have to suffer like that. Oh. My. Gosh. I can be such a trainwreck in my thinking. It occured to me yesterday that if Tanner had to choose between a happy mom that is quick to throw the frisbee, or having cookies baked...he would probably choose the former and date a girl that is a good baker. And I know for a fact that given the choice Rick would gladly forfeit homemade cookies for the wife he has had as of late.

More often than I would like,  I  choose something that I know is not good for me. I know I am not the only one with this struggle. Jesus said to his disciples in Matthew 6:13, " Watch and pray so that you will not fall into temptation. The spirit is willing, but the flesh is weak." So I will continue to watch and pray. I know that my flesh is weak. When I stumble, I will remember this current weakness is one more opportunity for me to lean into the Lord, settle into his grace and focus on him and his will for me. God reminded Paul in 2 Corinthians 12:9, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness". Paul sums it up in the following verses by saying, "Therfore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ's sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong." I, for one, am so grateful that perfection is not something to be desired or pursued. My struggles give me  opportunity to seek the Lord. They also soften my heart for those around me who share similar burdens. Do you see your weaknesses as something to be grateful for or ashamed of?

I am not afraid

I am coming to terms with how often I see myself as a victim in my own life. Feeling like I had to react and respond to other people's choices. Often I felt powerless and weak.We are not called to live like that,For God has not given us a spirit of fear and timidity, but of power, love, and self-discipline(2 Tim 1:7)

I have a relationship in my life that has given me the opportunity to wrestle with this recently. This person is an addict, and I have known him all my life. About 2 years ago, I chose to step away from that relationship. Recently, he has come back and I found myself not knowing how to handle it. I found myself feeling angry and scared. If you have an active addict/alcoholic in your life, you understand the destruction and pain that comes with the disease. If you don't, suffice it to say that the disease of addiction is fierce and mean. I had a lot of thinking and praying to do.

 I took a hard look at my fear. What was I scared of? I was scared of being hurt again. The Lord showed me something important. Even though this person's behavior had not changed, I was not obligated to receive the pain he was offering. Once again I was brought back to Phillipians 4:8. What this person offered was anger, lies, and manipulation. The scripture is clear that is not what I am to focus on. I can just let those things float on by me. I don't need to receive any of it. I don't need to react to any of it. I don't need to be scared, he can't hurt me if I don't give him the power to. I can not control what does, but I can control my half of the relationship. I have understood this truth for a long time. But I have never been able to apply it to this relationship specifically.What freedom. I could now be in the same room with him. I could make small talk and be polite. I no longer had my stomach in knots when I knew I was going to see him. I was free to feel sympathy for him. I was free to pray for him. I was free to forgive him. I have lived over 30 years feeling frustration, resentment and anger towards him. For the first time, I was feeling sorry for him. He simply would not pursue recovery. That has made me angry for the last 20 years. Now it makes me sad. I have been in recovery for 24 years, and I knew what he was missing. Me wanting it for him wasn't enough. If he didn't want it, there was nothing I could do.

I lived most of my life feeling responsible for people and things that were out of my control. If someone else was out of balance, I felt responsible to help realign them. That left me feeling inadequate and frustrated. There was always something or someone I was feeling guilty about. My life tipped out of balance. I was spending too much time worrying about other people and I began to neglect myself. Soon I stopped taking care of myself all together. Before I knew it I was 50 pounds overweight. (and I am only 5 feet tall) People in my life were still out of balance, and now I was too. How did that work for me?

It is good to be compassionate and encouraging. It is something else entirely to take responsibility for someone else's life. It has taken me a very long time to understand that we are all responsible for our own lives. I am not responsible for anyone else's life or happiness.

 The Lord has been so faithful in my life. When I was drinking and using, he stood by patiently. Placing people and situations in my life to help me when I was ready. He didn't "make" me stop. I know he wanted what was best for me, but he never pushed it on me. He gave me the freedom to choose it. My first sponser told me that God is a gentlemen, he will wait to be invited in. God, who loves me more than anyone else, gave me the gift of free will. What a beautiful thing. If I am free to make my own mistakes, and my own choices, who am I to deny others the same freedom? Allowing them to reap the consequences of their choices is part of that equation. Respecting their right to do what they want with their life, releases me from feeling responsible.

  Every day I have so many opportunities to make healthy choices (boundaries, food, exercise, time in the word, prayer, friendships). It brings to mind 1 Corinthians 10:31,"So whether you eat or drink or whatever you do, do it all for the glory of God".  Are the decisions I make today in my life bringing Him glory? Held to that standard, things that used to tempt me, or intimidate me, no longer do. Because the focus is not on me. I am reminded again that my life is not my own. I am His. I am not a victim. I am not afraid.

What if....

Well, I crossed the 25 pound mark this morning. I was not as happy as I had expected. I found myself hesitant. I actually got back on the scale to verify, almost expecting it to be wrong. Why am I so much more comfortable with failure than victory?

As far back as I can remember, there has been a side of me that dared to dream big and expect things to work out well. What I find odd is, that even though hope stirs deep in my soul, doubt still stirs in my mind. There is always a moment where my breath catches and my dreams take shape as I wonder.....what if?? Then almost as quickly, my mind can come up with a handful of reasons why it won't happen. The biggest question that circles in my mind is why would I deserve that?

Today I stand on the cusp of a few good things happening in my life.  I realize my actions this morning are a pretty good picture of how I am feeling in general. I am hopeful, but hesitant. Should I really dare to dream big? What if these things don't work out?  Who am I to expect brilliant things to happen in my life?

 About six months ago I read a quote that said the best preparation for tomorrow is good use of today. I have taken that to heart and done my best to make the most of each day. Some days it has been easier than others. Some days the victory is small, but a victory none the less.

In my weight loss journey, it's the little choices that make the difference. I have been exercising regularly and eating healthy food consistently. The results of the last few months showed on the scale this morning. What I did yesterday didn't effect it too much, but what I have done for the last 55 yesterdays did. I have been doing what I know I need to do, and I let the results take care of themselves. My focus was on the daily walk, not the outcome.

 The same needs to be true of all of my life. I need to spend time in his word, time talking and listening to him. Holding my dreams/thoughts/actions/relationships up to his truth, and let what doesn't line up fall away. Today, I want my to focus my attention on him, his will, and the people he has put in my life. I will continue to do what I can, and leave the rest to him. Why wouldn't I dream big? He is faithful.

A year ago, I would be wrestling with all of the possible outcomes. I would be playing out every possible scenerio, running through all of the "if thens".  Today I can rest.My God is faithful and trustworthy. He can make all things work together for my good. I have made good use of my previous todays. I have prepared well for tomorrow. What if he is who he says he is? What if he loves me like he says he does? What if I submitted all of my life to him to do with as he desires?

Bowling lessons

You know those moments in life when God's truth goes from knowledge to "ohhhhh......" I had one of those moments last night. (funny, it didn't hit me while I was in the middle of my day. It settled on my heart as I was winding down. That whole "be still and know" thing, there is something to be said for that)

 I was laying in bed thinking about my day. It had been a great day. I got to sleep in, have a little time to hang out with Rick and watch the news, then piddle around the house in the morning. I went to a noon class then got to spend the afternoon with Tanner. Some long overdue one on one time. We looked for some clothes and shoes for him (I got a fabulous new purse). We weren't in a hurry, had time to just talk and laugh as we ran errands. There is always a lot of laughing with Tanner, he is so stinking funny. It was just really nice. 

After hitting a couple of stores we went bowling. I am proud to say that I set two personal best records. I bowled 3 games in a row over 100. *Bow* and  I had an all time high score of 122. It was awesome.

 But what really was remarkable was my attitude. I guess I should back up a little here. We don't bowl often, maybe 3-4 times a year I guess. Usually, when I go, I am riddled with negative self talk. Every negative self image begins to glare, the negative tapes start playing. I am convinced that I am an embarrassment to my kids and my husband. I am ashamed of how I look, and I know that I will be horrible at bowling, just like everything else. Extreme, huh? I know. That thinking comes from the evil one. Remember, we have an enemy that is on the prowl. (1 Peter 5:8) Satan knows our weak spots and loves it when he sees an opening, especially in our thinking. For me, one main area of his attack is my relationship with my husband and kids. If he can get in my head during some family time and jack up my thinking and attitude, my family suffers. I had one of my WORST parenting moments at that bowling alley about a year and a half ago, and I am sure it is because Satan was busy busy in my thinking. I was so beat down and internally emotionally out of control, I made a mistake I will always regret.  My regret comes from hurting my son's heart. I did embarrass him, and I could have hurt our relationship.  It just reinforces why it is so important that we take our thoughts captive (2 Cor 10:3-5). There is a reason that we are told to think about what is TRUE, noble, right, pure. lovely, admirable (Phil 4:8). When we are distracted by things that are false, inappropriate, impure, dark, or shameful, there is room for that negative to be multiplied, for our minds to be deceived and our actions to be influenced.

Anyhow, back to yesterday. I felt confident and light hearted and comfortable in my body. Now that may sound weird to some of you, but I am sure there are a few who understand. Moving around in a body that is bigger than it is supposed to be is difficult. It is not easy to move freely. I am used to moving slow and feeling clumsy and embarrassed. I am only 7 weeks in to eating clean, but cutting out the sugar and processed foods has done me SO much good. Not only physically, but emotionally and spiritually. My mood swings have leveled out. I have not struggled with anxiety or depression (I have struggled with depression since I was a teen). I am realizing how much I would turn to food instead of God. My mind is clearer, my emotions are more stable, and  I feel physically stronger. I am not only closer to the Lord, but for the first time, I am appreciating how he made me, which has freed me to enjoy this life he has given me so MUCH more.

So here is where God tied it all together for me. For the last (almost) two months, I have been doing what I should be doing. I have been eating healthy food, exercising regularly and taking better care of myself (getting enough sleep, getting a massage here and there, spending time in the word, praying, writing).  I started off on the legalistic end of the spectrum. Focusing on all the "should nots" and marching through the rules. Then yesterday, I found myself experiencing life from a new perspective in light of the choices I had been making. Feeling the freedom that comes from living within healthy parameters.( I was enjoying time with my son, I was enjoying our life together. I was no longer focused on being afraid of looking silly or making mistakes. I was free to laugh and risk) My heart stirred, I began to desire taking care of myself instead of desiring to be skinny. Because I was experiencing the benefits of that focus. Wow. My motivation had shifted, from rule follower to a person who wanted to live in response. How cool is God? 

This is the spiritual shift that took place in my life. I was a Christ follower, being careful to do a good job of paying attention to the "should nots". I am sure he was happy I chose to follow him, and that I was being careful in my choices. But I am also sure that he was excitedly waiting....knowing that I was so close to understanding that was only the first half of the gospel. Yes he came for my salvation (John 3:16),what I was missing was that he came that I would also have abundant life.(John 10:10) He came that I would be free to experience the fruits of the spirit.(Gal 5:22) By focusing on the rules, I was making better choices(1 Tim 1:8), by focusing on him, I was free to experience Life(Romans 10:4). He wants me to flourish.(Eph 3:16-19) Not only so that I will enjoy this life he has given me, but also so I could impact others. He wants my life to shine, so that when others look at it, I can then point to him.(matthew 5:14-16)

It was such an "Ah ha" moment for me. Once again I am realizing that his truth and grace apply to EVERY area of my life.  He longs for me to live my life in response to his grace, yes even in my eating and exercise.. He longs for me to be free of the bondage that the law holds when I focus only on it. He wants me to appreciate just how wonderfully he made my body(Psalm 139:14-16), and in response to that awe, take good care of it.(Romans 12:1) When I am taking good care of it (living in response to grace), it will allow me to experience life on an entirely different level. That is freedom. 

Once again, the chains are broken. I've been set free. You know the rest.....my God and Savior has ransomed me. 

I love how God works. Grabbing my heart, reminding me of his amazing grace on a summer evening. As if a day spent enjoying my family wasn't enough. He had to make sure I remembered how much he loves me, and remind me that he has plans for me.

Gotta love those bowling lessons.

This is hard

So, the last few days I have been wrestling with a problem. I wanted to eat something. I didn't want to have to think about it, plan it out, or consider it's nutritional value...I wanted to be frivolous and grab something...dare I say it...out of the pantry. Maybe even out of the freezer. I didn't want it to be a fresh fruit, vegetable, or a lean meat. Not because I don't like those things....but because I was having a bit of a temper tantrum. I have been eating clean FOREVER (translation: since July 1). I have been exercising CONSTANTLY (translation: 3 days a week consistently, some weeks more). I have put SO MUCH effort into this, I DESERVE a treat. (truth: I didn't take care of myself for 10 years, there is a price to pay)

This is hard. I have to say no to a lot of things that I really enjoy. When I started the 10 day cleanse on July 1, I committed to no dairy, no bread, no sugar, no processed food. That is a lot of no. That is a lot of planning ahead to make sure that I have something healthy to eat for each meal and snack. But if I am being honest, it is really not that difficult. Fresh fruits and vegetables are plentiful. There is a lot to choose from that I really like. Having the fat and sugar out of my system now, the fresh food tastes SO much better.  So here I stand, at the tipping point. Will I focus on the positive, dig my heals in and finish strong, or will I focus on the negative and  allow myself to indulge in the self pity? I know what I want to do....and I know what I FEEL like doing. Two different things. It makes me think of Paul, who said, "I don't really understand myself, I want to do what is right, but I don't do it. Instead I do what I hate". (NLT Romans 7:15) I feel ya, Paul. I know that I feel SO much better. I have more energy, my attitude is better. Food actually tastes better. I am fitting in smaller clothes. I look better. I have more confidence. You would think that all of those things would make this a no brainer. I mean really? In light of ALL of that, why would a bowl of ice cream even be a struggle for me today? 

Sin.

Fear.

I believe both sin and fear are at the  root of my problem. This is a sin struggle for me. We all have our own. This is mine. The attitude of it can manifest in different ways, but no matter what it looks like (self pity, self indulgence), it is still an idol trying to push itself onto the throne of my life.  In Romans 7, Paul says it this way: " I have discovered this principle of life—that when I want to do what is right, I inevitably do what is wrong. I love God’s law with all my heart. But there is another power within me that is at war with my mind. This power makes me a slave to the sin that is still within me. Oh, what a miserable person I am! Who will free me from this life that is dominated by sin and death? Thank God! The answer is in Jesus Christ our Lord. So you see how it is: In my mind I really want to obey God’s law, but because of my sinful nature I am a slave to sin.

I am a slave to sin. Jesus, and his endless grace are my freedom. I want my life, every bit of it, to be an act of worship. I want my eyes to be on him ,and my heart to be pointing others to him.  I know that when I put him first, everything else will fall into place. (Mat 6:33).  I want to fill my thoughts with his desires, and take his character as the pattern for my life. I know with everything that I am that he wants the very best for me.  Is indulging in something like chips or ice cream going to move me closer to that, or will it just fuel that negative thinking and self loathing? I hate to go all 80’s on you but, WWJD?  He would lean into his father, and he would tell Satan to jump off.  So I will lean in and remember what it says in 1 Cor 10:13 “ The temptations in your life are no different from what others experience. And God is faithful. He will not allow the temptation to be more than you can stand. When you are tempted, he will show you a way out so that you can endure.” Long story short, no, making good choices in this area is not very easy for me. I have indulged in half measures and justifications. But in the grand scheme of things….so what if it’s hard? Life is hard. He is faithful, I have access to plenty of healthy food and people who are encouraging me and teaching me and loving me. Living my best life means having to learn to say no sometimes. I need to stop being so myopic in the vision I have for my life. I need to dream bigger than today. What would God be able to do in and through my life if I was completely surrendered to him, in EVERY area?

Fear. Such a master of disguises in my life.  Fear is also one of satan’s favorite weapons to use against me. (I have to remember what it says in Isaiah 54:17; that no weapon formed against me will prosper)For me, fear can look like anger, insecurity, jealousy, arrogance, and often, self sabotage. I can get so close to a goal or dream and end up watching it slip through my fingers. I don’t actively pursue the destruction. It’s much more passive-aggressive in nature. Something (Satan) will happen (self doubt or justification) and I get distracted. This has been a pattern in my life, and it has always left me feeling like a victim.  I have always believed that if I was stronger, more disciplined, had more faith, was a better person, THEN I would have had victory.  But because I was weak, I failed .That is until today. Today I choose to call it what it is. A spiritual attack. The fact that there is an arrow pointed at me, and at my life, pisses me off.   So, I will call it what it is, and I will do what I need to do. I will put on the full armor of God (Eph 6:10-18) and I will offer my life, my body, as a living sacrifice, holy and pleasing to the Lord. (Romans 12:1-2). 

Scripture. It is alive and amazing. When I started writing this blog today, I was feeling beat down, fearful, and a little sorry for myself. Poor me, no chips or sweets to eat. Poor me, I still have to quite a bit of weight to lose. Poor me, I have to fight for  what I want. Now, after praying, writing, and digging through some scripture, I am determined, energized, and grateful. Realizing that this battle with my weight is simply the thorn in my flesh, I find myself liberated. I need not be ashamed and embarrassed by my weakness. I see that without it, I would be all too inclined to plow ahead with little regard to God and His will for my life, leaning instead on my own self sufficiency.  Embracing my weakness makes room for Christ (2 Cor 12:7-10) for his ever present grace  and the story redemption he is writing in my life.

Suddenly, not eating some chips doesn’t seem like that big of a deal.

On the practical side

So, one of the many benefits that have come from taking a good look at who I am is that I have a better understanding of what I like and don't like. Sounds a little ridiculous that at my age, I am just figuring this out, I know.

One of my biggest "ah-ha!"s was realizing that finding a form of exercise that fit my personality was just as important as finding one that fit my schedule. I have been a member of  24 hour fitness for years. I didn't enjoy going. Which is why I didn't go. Which was why I was fat. Funny how one follows the other there, huh?

So it all started when I contacted a friend of a friend who is a (fantastic) personal trainer. She was my safe place to face the brunt of my negative self image. I think back to our one on one time and remember how ashamed I was of my body, and of myself. It was so hard for me to do my exercises, physically because I was 45 pounds overweight, but also emotionally. I was so weighed down by the shame. I would do the sit ups or push ups and think to myself how awful I must look as she stood watching me. Ugh. Talk about being in the valley. One day, she made a comment about boxing. I was interested. So she got out the gloves and the mits....now that was FUN!

The company my husband worked for closed, and budget needed to be squeezed, so there was no more room for my one on one after those 10 sessions. I was able to attend a boxing fitness class of hers for another few months, and that is where I started to really love it. Now oldest son is going off to college and budget needs to be redesigned again. I needed to find something closer and with a lower cost.

Along comes Title Boxing. It opens less than 5 miles away. This is where it all clicks. I am not just a number walking in the door. Not only am I greeted by name as I walk in, I am known by the trainers. I am not just a face in the class. They see me. They know what it looks like when I work hard, and when I am coasting. They notice when I am having a rough day, they see when my thinking turns negative in the middle of a class and call me out of it. If I don't come to one of my normal classes, I am asked where I was. This builds such a sense of community, that it encourages all of us taking classes. We learn each others names, we encourage each other, we throw in a little trash talk to push each other, and we laugh together. That is when I realize that this is the environment I have always been looking for. I am built with a need for relationship. I love being around people, I love encouraging others, and I am motivated by seeing strength and courage in others.

It all makes sense. It lines up completely with how God created me. It's no wonder that I feel the way I do here. It is the perfect fit for my personality. This is just reinforcement that it is so important to take the time to know and embrace how you were created. Because once you do that, you will be able to find your sweet spot, and begin pursue God's best for you. He desires for you to flourish, he has placed people around you to encourage you and lead you toward your next season. Stop hiding. Don't play it safe anymore. As William Shed said, "A ship in the harbor is safe, but that is not what ships are built for". You were not created to live a safe life. Transition is uncomfortable.

Are you scared? That is ok. Do it afraid. Courage is not the absence of fear, it is the act of stepping out in fear. What are you scared of? Making a mistake? Failing? Here is a news flash.... life is messy. So get out there, make some mistakes and learn along the way. Try something new. If you don't like it, try something else. If your not getting the results you want, tweak it...just DO something. A change of outlook follows a change in action. The catalyst of a new season doesn't have to be time. Many times a new season is born out of a new understanding. Today, my prayer is that you realize that you were created for more.

A powerful life is not one that we were born into, or one we stumble into living. It is a life we have chosen to live. In submitting our hearts to God, we become open to pursuing a life that will impact and bless others. One that will leave a wake of challenge and encouragement and grace behind it for generations.