tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6004487802023785492024-02-08T08:49:21.414-08:00C minus thirtyAnonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15876359794856458249noreply@blogger.comBlogger17125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-600448780202378549.post-2737576780527979342015-01-14T10:49:00.000-08:002015-01-14T10:49:51.297-08:00What if my best really is good enough?I have always struggled with feeling like what I have to offer is just short of being acceptable. I remember telling a counselor years ago that I wish I could have a cheat sheet so I could see what people expected of me. That way I could specifically do that plus just a little bit more. I truly meant it. I had felt that way for a long time at that point; I felt like I was falling short. I didn't have any tangible proof that I was letting anyone down. People were not saying they were disappointed in what I was doing or who I was. I was just at a loss for accepting that what I had to offer was good enough. I felt like I was lacking. I don't desire a cheat sheet anymore. I still struggle. But my focus has slowly shifted from looking to others opinions of me to what God says about me, how I feel about they way He made me, and the gifts I have been given. While I have come a long way, my goal this year is to continue to get better at accepting myself and what I have to give. <div>
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I have gained some weight back, and have been struggling with shame because of it. I have't put a lot on. I am still in a size 8, but I am giving my jeans a workout of their own today. Truth is, I am just not comfortable at this weight. I am only 5 feet tall, so while a tight size 8 might be a great size for someone 5'6''or 5'8", it doesn't feel great on this frame. I was out of my typical routine for about a month or so between the holidays and a tight shoulder. I am working my way back into it. I hit a boxing or kickboxing class 5 mornings a week and have a strength workout put together to do after class. But, I have yet to get through a full workout after class. I have done about half. Somedays (like today), just a quarter. My first inclination is that is not good enough. It doesn't count. Fail. What I want is to be proud of what I do, instead of frustrated with what I don't. I should be proud of the fact that I have put together a good workout, and that I stayed after class today and knocked out 50 burpies, a super set of tricep extensions and bear crawls. Especially after the hour I spent working my tail off in Ozzie's class. </div>
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Yes, there was more I could do, but there will always be more I can do. Doing more doesn't alter who I am. It may help me get the weight off faster, but I am pretty sure I don't get bonus points for doing this quickly. What I want to focus on is appreciating consistency. If I look at the big picture, it really doesn't matter if I stay for an hour after class working out, or a half an hour. My body will appreciate and respond to the time I put in. If my goal is to continue to build a balanced, healthy life, then I am right on track. Because even in the steps I take backwards here and there, I am learning about myself, and what I value and desire in my life. If I stay for only 30 minutes extra, but I have time to sit down and eat breakfast before I go to work, that is valuable. </div>
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I make myself face the mirror in class when we are doing lunges, jumping jacks, squats, whatever. It is hard to do now because the weight I gained is obvious. I've got a wiggly tummy and thick legs. But, it is good for me to face what I don't like and realize that literally, what I am doing right that second is part of the solution. It is also good for me to face the truth that those extra pounds do not change who I am. Sadly, I was ashamed for my friends at the gym to see me. Which is ridiculous, especially in light of what AWESOME people they are. Sure, it is possible that when they saw me they thought huh, Chris gained a couple of pounds over the holidays. Because, ummmm....I did. I am confident that they would not have thought of me as a failure, or less of a person, or unworthy because of that. It is important for me to remember to be as nice to myself as they are. When Jesus said in Mark 12:31 that we are to love our neighbor as ourselves, there is an obvious assumption that God expects us to love ourselves. That is not being selfish. It is good to appreciate God's obvious care and love in the way he designed us. That is healthy.</div>
Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15876359794856458249noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-600448780202378549.post-82538841796542511652014-02-18T11:13:00.000-08:002014-02-18T11:13:47.621-08:00I feel like a number (I'm not a number)<span style="background-color: white;">I was reminded of that Bob Seger song after weighing myself yesterday morning. There can be so much emotion and self image tied to a number on the scale, as if it defines me. My eating and exercise have been off since the beginning of December. I am being reminded just how much those choices effect me physically, mentally and emotionally. I am paying the price. My headaches are back, I am not sleeping well, emotionally I am all over the place, I am tired...bleh. </span><br />
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<span style="background-color: white;">When that number came up, 8 pounds over my comfortable spot, I was defeated. And not just in that moment. I struggled all day. Into the evening. Into this morning. I went for a 3 mile run yesterday. It was symbolic of how I was feeling. I was running into the wind, my pace was slow, my body felt heavy and cumbersome, my favorite songs weren't coming up in the shuffle (yes, I can be that big of a baby). The entire run, I had that negative talk running in my head. You are slow. you are clumsy. You are not strong enough. Just stop. Just walk. Give up. You can't....you won't...you will never....For three freaking miles. It was a beating, but I didn't stop. I finished the run. I would love to tell you there was a Rocky moment at the end where I felt great and SO proud of myself for persevering. Nope. Not even close. I clicked off my running app and thought to myself, "well that sucked" and I walked 3/4 of a mile home thinking I should have run faster.</span><br />
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<span style="background-color: white;"> The shame started to lift a little after my kickboxing class this morning. It isn't gone completely, but at least it isn't as heavy. I realize I was already on shaky ground mentally having been out of my routine for so long. But that number on the scale set a shame storm in motion. It wasn't that I was just disappointed in the number. Every failure from the past settled in around me, reminding me of how many times I've started and failed. It is making me think of the lyrics from the song by Casting Crowns:</span><br />
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<span style="background-color: white; font-family: Verdana, Arial; font-size: 13px; text-align: center;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="background-color: white; font-family: Verdana, Arial; font-size: 13px; text-align: center;"> Oh what I would do to have</span></div>
<span style="background-color: white;"><span style="font-family: Verdana, Arial; font-size: 13px; text-align: center;"><div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-size: 13px;">The kind of faith it takes to climb out of this boat I'm in</span></div>
</span><span style="font-family: Verdana, Arial; font-size: 13px; text-align: center;"><div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-size: 13px;">Onto the crashing waves</span></div>
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<span style="background-color: white; font-family: Verdana, Arial; font-size: 12.727272033691406px;"><br /></span></div>
<span style="background-color: white;"><span style="font-family: Verdana, Arial; font-size: 13px; text-align: center;"><div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-size: 13px;">To step out of my comfort zone</span></div>
</span><span style="font-family: Verdana, Arial; font-size: 13px; text-align: center;"><div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-size: 13px;">To the realm of the unknown where Jesus is</span></div>
</span><span style="font-family: Verdana, Arial; font-size: 13px; text-align: center;"><div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-size: 13px;">And He's holding out his hand</span></div>
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<span style="background-color: white; font-family: Verdana, Arial; font-size: 12.727272033691406px;"><br /></span></div>
<span style="background-color: white;"><span style="font-family: Verdana, Arial; font-size: 13px; text-align: center;"><div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-size: 13px;">But the waves are calling out my name and they laugh at me</span></div>
</span><span style="font-family: Verdana, Arial; font-size: 13px; text-align: center;"><div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-size: 13px;">Reminding me of all the times I've tried before and failed</span></div>
</span><span style="font-family: Verdana, Arial; font-size: 13px; text-align: center;"><div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-size: 13px;">The waves they keep on telling me</span></div>
</span><span style="font-family: Verdana, Arial; font-size: 13px; text-align: center;"><div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-size: 13px;">Time and time again. 'Boy, you'll never win!'</span></div>
</span><span style="font-family: Verdana, Arial; font-size: 13px; text-align: center;"><div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-size: 13px;">"You'll never win"</span></div>
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<span style="background-color: white; font-family: Verdana, Arial; font-size: 12.727272033691406px;"><br /></span></div>
<span style="background-color: white;"><span style="font-family: Verdana, Arial; font-size: 13px; text-align: center;"><div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-size: 13px;">But the voice of truth tells me a different story</span></div>
</span><span style="font-family: Verdana, Arial; font-size: 13px; text-align: center;"><div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-size: 13px;">And the voice of truth says "Do not be afraid!"</span></div>
</span><span style="font-family: Verdana, Arial; font-size: 13px; text-align: center;"><div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-size: 13px;">And the voice of truth says "This is for My glory"</span></div>
</span><span style="font-family: Verdana, Arial; font-size: 13px; text-align: center;"><div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-size: 13px;">Out of all the voices calling out to me</span></div>
</span></span><span style="text-align: center;"><div style="font-family: Verdana, Arial; font-size: 13px; text-align: center;">
<span style="background-color: white; font-size: 13px;">I will choose to listen and believe the voice of truth</span></div>
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<span style="background-color: white;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">I struggle with fear. What if I fail? What if I never reach my goals? I have to be very careful to keep my feelings and fears in their rightful place...in line behind truth. They like to puff up and try to push their way to the front of the line. They are bullies. But just like any other bully, when confronted with truth, they have no other option but relent, and take their rightful place. I am so grateful that feeling something does not make it true. I am 8 pounds heavier than I should be right now. That is true. I am a failure. That is not true. It's not the falling down that is the problem. It's the not getting back up. I am the same person at 147 that I am at 139 and will be at 125. I am encouraging and funny and faithfilled and irreverent and tenderhearted. Truth is I am a lot of things, but none of who I am is altered by how much I weigh. Where is my focus? On how I feel, or what God says is true about me?</span></span><span style="background-color: white; font-family: inherit;">In Luke 6 it says:</span><br />
<span style="background-color: white;"><span style="font-family: inherit;"><span class="versenum" style="font-weight: bold; vertical-align: top;">43-45 </span>“You don’t get wormy apples off a healthy tree, nor good apples off a diseased tree. The health of the apple tells the health of the tree. You must begin with your own life-giving lives. It’s who you are, not what you say and do, that counts. Your true being brims over into true words and deeds."</span></span><br />
<span style="background-color: white;"><span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span></span>
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<span style="background-color: white;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">It is who you are that counts. It is whose you are that counts. We must begin with our own life-giving lives. That is truth...</span></span></div>
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Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15876359794856458249noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-600448780202378549.post-44661631727305472832013-09-10T12:50:00.000-07:002013-09-10T12:50:42.683-07:00Don't have to feel it.....Some days, and if I am to be honest, some seasons, I am just going through the motions. Doing what is next to be done. Not really thinking, not really feeling, just crossing off the next thing.<br />
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Some seasons are hard. When I hit one of those tough patches, I tend to isolate. Isolate and eat, feeding whatever negative emotion has me feeling beat down. I just want to curl up in bed and hibernate. It is hard. You may not have such a severe swing down as I tend to have, but we all have those times. And we all have a choice. Will I lean into the emptiness and try to fill it with food and self pity, or will I do what I know is right even when I don't feel like it? Typically, I gravitate towards self pity; "rewarding" myself with poor food choices and "down time" of not going to the gym. I focus on how hard it is, and how overwhelmed I am.<br />
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This time I am making a different choice. Oh, all the feelings are still there. I don't want to do anything. I don't want to plan my meals, go get and prepare the healthy food, or push myself to do more pushups, burpies and mountain climbers. I want to be short tempered with the people around me, and tell them; "you don't know how hard it is to fight this battle every freaking day." But to what end? It's not their fault that I am overwhelmed or discouraged. Giving in to that will only damage my relationships. Not eating right or getting a workout in will only push me farther away from my goal. Why am I still tempted to throw up my hands and say screw it? That is the path of least resistance, and I tend to gravitate toward it. I guess cause I am human.<br />
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I feel weak. But I will continue. I won't necessarily like it, but I will do it. I will get my workouts in, even if I have to mutter under my breath and force myself to take every freaking step. Anyone can give up. If this was easy, I would have reached my goal already. I am worth fighting for. Even if it doesn't feel like it right now. Feeling something doesn't make it true. The bible tells me not to trust my feelings (Proverbs 28:26 "Those who trust their own insight are foolish, but anyone who walks in wisdom is safe." NLT) He tells me not to lean on my own understanding, but to lean on His. (Proverbs 3:5-6: "Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding. In all your ways submit yourself to Him and He will make your path straight." NIV) God says I am his, I am lovable, and I am worth fighting for. So even on days that none of that "feels" true, I will act as if it is. I will put one foot in front of the other and I will wait for my feelings to catch up. In AA, they say, "rarely have we seen a person fail who has thoroughly followed our path..." Well, it's time to be thorough, and keep on following that path. Anyone can keep going when it's easy; when the victories are many and you feel strong....but what about weeks like this? When your not sure you can reach your goal, when it would be so much easier (and more familiar) to give up, when your not sure you have the strength to keep fighting. What now? Give in to emotion or focus on truth? <br />
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I understand that, for me, this battle with losing weight is very symbolic of my relationship with God. It is easy to point to Him when all is well. It is easy to pray, to go to church, read my Bible and seek Him when life is smooth sailing. I know it brings Him joy to see me desiring those things in my life. But what about these stormy seasons? When I get scared, when I don't know what is next, or when I am mad at Him and I don't "feel" like reading my Bible or going to church. What then? As a parent, I know the great joy and gratitude I experience when my boys make the right choice in spite of what they are feeling. Especially when they don't agree with me on what is right. When they choose something out of obedience instead of ease, my heart overflows with gratitude. I have to believe that is the same for the Lord. I believe in these seasons when I choose to follow him even when I don't "feel" it, He is proud of me, and His heart overflows. To be honest, I am not "feeling" it. I am having to choose to pray, and read my Bible and listen to solid teaching. But I when I get to the other side of this season, I want to know that the choices I have made are making him proud, and the words, "well done" will be on His lips. And that means, choosing truth over emotion. What will you choose today?Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15876359794856458249noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-600448780202378549.post-50009544148629001692013-08-24T12:24:00.000-07:002013-08-24T15:04:06.753-07:00I am (not) a failure<br />
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I was so down about my weight and about myself when I started 18 months ago. I was beat down, depressed, and completely overwhelmed at the prospect of starting....again. I could not face failing on a diet (again). I wasn't sure that I had another start in me. I saw myself as a failure. I was going through the motions, but I had lost my fire. It was a lonely place to be, feeling like I didn't have anything to offer. So much energy was needed to do anything. Why even try? But there was something down deep that would not let me give up. <br />
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I did what was in front of me to do. One foot in front of the other. Making myself move forward. Sometimes in anticipation, sometimes in anger, often in fear...moving no matter what the underlying feeling was. I believe God gave us feelings to enhance our life, to add depth and beauty. All too often in my past I let my emotions run my life instead of simply add to it. It was draining. I would wait until I "felt" something before I would make a change....many times what I felt was sad or overwhelmed, neither of which is conducive to making a positive change. I stayed stuck for far too long.<br />
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Long story short, learning to put my emotions in their rightful place has been good for me. Choosing to move no matter what I felt turned out to be liberating, not only in losing weight, but also in breaking the cycle of self pity that all to often kept me feeling like a victim. I still struggle with it from time to time, but it is getting easier to move out of it.<br />
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When I first started this journey, losing the weight gave me momentum to keep going. It felt good to see the numbers go down, it felt good to physically feel smaller. Then I hit my plateau. I have not lost any weight for 6 months. Some of that is just a natural plateau, most is probably my eating. I haven't been super diligent with it. But since I have been at this same weight for so long....I have gotten used to being this size and have lost sight of how far I have come. The feeling of failure is creeping back in. When I look in the mirror, I see the things about my body that I am unhappy with, and the fat that needs to go. I feel embarrassed and if I am to be honest, a little ashamed that I have not finished getting this weight off. Those feelings of failure and poor self image are bubbling up. This is the point where I need to use what I have learned. 1.) Focus on the truth not the feelings. I have lost 40 pounds, and gone from a size 18 to a size 8. (yes, I am only 5 feet tall). Those feelings of failure and insecurity have no merit. And 2.) I need to move. So I will begin to use the :My Fitness Pal" app to track my food/exercise. I have also asked a friend to hold me accountable by downloading the app and checking my posts. <br />
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I read a quote one of our pastors posted a week ago. I am not sure what it's from, but it really resonated with me. "Tell me, what is it you plan to do With your one wild and precious life?" -Mary Oliver. <br />
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What a great question! I believe I have been given the gift of this life, and it IS wild and precious. I am in this place, with these people, and have these opportunities. Why do I allow myself to be bogged down in the mundane instead of embracing the wildness of it? I have hidden for far too long. There are conversations I have chosen not to have, relationships I have chosen not to pursue because I was afraid; of not being accepted, of not being smart, of not being enough. One of my favorite students was over for dinner this last week, sharing what God has taught him this summer. One of the things he shared was in 1 Peter 1:15-16 " But just as he who called you is holy, so be holy in all you do; for it is written: "Be holy, because I am holy:" He was sharing that the word for holy can also be translated "unique". What a challenge; to embrace and live out my uniqueness. It is expected of me. It is a holy calling on my life. I am who I am because this is EXACTLY who He wanted me to be. And who am I to question how he made me.....he makes beautiful things! <br />
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Enjoy this video (which features one of my favorite people on the planet) and be reminded that he CREATED YOU, intentionally, and with great care. You are precious and beautiful because you are his. It is ok that we aren't perfect, we were NEVER created to be perfect. You were created to be HIS, and he makes -----><span style="color: #20124d;"> <a href="http://vimeo.com/36621368">BEAUTIFUL THINGS</a>.</span></div>
Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15876359794856458249noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-600448780202378549.post-87937235379810111122013-06-15T11:10:00.001-07:002013-08-24T15:24:51.854-07:00The Me I want to be....I am reading a book with that title. It is written by John Ortberg, and even though I can not prove it, I am pretty sure he wrote it just for me. I have already read it once, but it is full of such great encouragement and truth, I am reading it again. Much of what he says has me nodding my head, and agreeing....all the while struggling with a little fear....now that I now these things.... I have do things differently. What good is knowing that God designed me to flourish if I am going to continue to play it safe and hide? Amazing how truth can be encouraging, convicting, <u>and</u> scary.<br />
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One of the things I am hearing from God recently is said perfectly in this book, "God wants to redeem you, not exchange you." One of the biggest struggles I have faced is learning to love the way God made me. I have spent most of my life wishing I was less like me, and more like someone else. I have come a long way, from not liking myself at all, to actually embracing and enjoying the quirky way he made me. I love Jesus, I like working out to music by Eminem and Justin Timberlake and Los Lonely Boys. I enjoy camping and hitting the heavy bag at the gym and getting a pedicure. I am opinionated and sarcastic and tender hearted. I can be a little rough around the edges. I love the outdoors and I like my blue nail polish. I used to be embarrassed about some of these things...not anymore. Because those parts of my personality don't take away from the fact that I am an encourager. I am faithful, passionate, empathetic, and loyal. It is ok that on the surface some of those things don't seem to go together. That is what makes me, me. So now that I am at a place of appreciating his work in me, it has become VERY clear that it is now time for me to DO something. That is where the fear is creeping in. If I believe he made me this way intentionally, with these specific gifts and talents, and he has placed me where he has, with these people and these opportunities.....then it is time to let him use me the way he chooses. It is time for me to get uncomfortable again.<br />
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I have said all along that one of the biggest reasons I wanted to loose weight was so that I would be available for him to use. That is pretty easy to say 40 pounds heavier, while I am right in the middle of playing life safe and hiding. It sounds pretty spiritual and it also doesn't demand anything other than lip service....I can get excited and be open to something that isn't requiring anything from me right now. But here I am, stronger and healthier...with new doors opening. My first reaction is, "AWESOME!" followed quickly by......"ummmmm....wait a minute. What if I am not enough?" As I have dug into that "what if I am not enough" what I am finding is that isn't really the question. What I think I am scared of is, what if I am not the best? I have always struggled with worth. If I am not the best, I can't be lovable....and since I am not the best, I must not be lovable. I thought I had made some headway in this...but apparently there is another layer of it that I need to uproot. It caught my attention in my boxing fitness class the other day. One of the girls I work out with is a "bad a" on the bag. She is strong, has great form, she is fun to watch hit. Then I became aware of what I am thinking...I wish I could hit like her, look like her....All of a sudden I am self-conscious. I am having trouble with my combination. I am clumsy and embarrassed. I can't hit like her, I can't look like her. She is probably 20 years younger than me. She is a foot taller than me. She has different skills. By focusing on who I am not, I began to flouder,I wasn't enjoying my workout anymore. (in the book Ortberg talks about languishing, it is the condition of someone who may be able to function, but has lost a sense of hope and meaning. it is the absence of mental and emotional vitality) It was a very important example of what I am struggling with in my daily life. I have an opportunity to work with some students soon, and facing that in the gym made me realize that was one of the fears I was facing with this opportunity. What if I am not the best leader? It is embarrassing to admit that, because it is so full of pride. But if I am going to be honest, it was a fear that was lurking. Truth is, I will not be the best leader. I have never lead a team of students on a mission trip. I am going to make mistakes, it will be a little messy. But that is ok. What they need from me is love and Jesus. I love working with students, and I love Jesus. Check. Nothing offered in love is ever lost.<br />
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What I need to celebrate is that I am now in a place where answering yes to this call is an option for me. Two years ago, it wouldn't have been. The last 18 months have been full of wrestling with spiritual truths, insecurities and the discipline it takes to hit the gym consistently and eat cleaner. Those were the things I needed to do, but those weren't my goal. My goal is to be stronger, healthier and ready for him to use. Ortberg says it well, "We do not just drift into becoming the best version of ourselves...." What actions can you take today that will move you closer to flourishing, to being your best self... a little "you-ier"?Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15876359794856458249noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-600448780202378549.post-29589268942895241012013-05-16T12:13:00.000-07:002013-05-16T12:13:11.668-07:00It's up to meSo in my last post I shared with you that I haven't exercised in two weeks and my eating hasn't been spot on. Boy, that can have some consequences for me. My headaches have started coming back and yesterday afternoon, my anxiety started creeping back in.<br />
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I got off work earlier than expected. I ran home hoping to see Tanner before he left for church. I made it...just barely. I got to grab a hug on the driveway as he was heading out and I was heading in. I didn't expect to see him until 9 or so, so touching base and getting that extra hug in the late afternoon was a nice treat.<br />
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I walked in the house and thought of all the things I should do...start a load of laundry, make the lunches for tomorrow, clean the upstairs bathroom, sweep, vacuum. You know the drill. I knew we had leftovers for dinner, so I didn't have to cook. I could use this time to catch up on some other chores...but I really didn't want to. I just wanted to flop on the couch for a bit. So I did. I watched a little tv, feeling more sluggish with each passing minute. I was feeling a little guilty for not doing all the things that needed done around the house, but I have also realized recently that there will always be things that need doing, and sometimes a little downtime is more important. Then my heart started racing. Not again. I knew that feeling well. My anxiety. At least it wasn't a panic attack, I HATE those. So I got up, took a couple of deep breaths. Nope, heart still racing. I have learned in the last year that the best thing for my anxiety and depression is working out and eating clean. I pulled up the website of my gym, <a href="http://www.titleboxingclub.com/frisco-tx/class-schedule/" target="_blank">Title Boxing</a>, to see if there were any classes on a Wednesday night. Yup, there was one in an hour. I wavered on going, my hamstring was still sore. I would wait and see how the anxiety went. I could justify not going with my hammie still bothering me. I would still feel like crap in an hour, but it could be justified. At 6:05 I made the decision to go. I ran upstairs, threw on my workout clothes, washed my face and ran out the door. I wrapped my hands at stoplights so I would be ready when I got there. I walked in and was greated by name and with smiles. (That always makes me feel good.) I was honest with the trainer,letting him know that I haven't worked out in two weeks because of a pulled hamstring...but I struggle with anxiety and it's bothering me tonight, so I really needed a workout. He told me he totally understands, and reminds me to adjust my workout and just do what I can. I drop my gloves by "my" bag and walk around a bit to get my head in the game. Class starts, I take it easy running and with lunges. We finally get on the bag and it feels REALLY good to hit. But I can't catch my breath, and my heart is STILL racing. It was so frustrating. I just continue to do what I can, but I am having to stop hitting the heavy bag over and over and take a lap to slow my heart rate and catch my breath. My anxiety will not let go. It was 45 minutes into class and I was still dealing with my heart racing and being out of breath. I just stayed with it, doing what I could. We finish up with abs and afterwards, the trainer calls be over to show me a good stretch with the band. Tells me to just hangout, get a good stretch in. So I do. Time alone to stretch and relax. And I realize my anxiety is gone. I feel so much better. Just as quick as it set in, it is gone. I relax into my stretch thanking God for the gym, and for the trainers here who know me and care enough about me to help me when I need it. Earlier that day I had received a text from my usual trainer checking on me since I haven't been to class. That made me feel great. Community is important. I let them know when my anxiety is bad, when I don't feel strong, when my eating is off. They know me well enough to call me out in the middle of a workout when they see that bug is in my head telling me I am weak, I am fat, I will not reach my goals. We can only be loved to the extent that we are known. I am vulnerable here.<br />
<br />
I went home feeling like myself again. I hung out on the couch with my husband watching the storm coverage, laughing way too much over silly things. Tanner got home a little after nine and joined us...still laughing way too much over very silly things. Rick was up imitating the weather man in front of the tv, we were cracking up. Just one of those family nights filled with snuggling on the couch and laughter that feels so good. I knew that if I had not gone to the gym, the night would have looked very different. I would have been lethargic and tired, probably either still struggling with the anxiety, or wrestling with the depression that tends to follow it. I was so grateful that I did what I knew I needed to do instead of letting my feelings rule. The payoff was huge.<br />
<br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><b>"Take full responsibility for your environment and your behaviors. Everything you do sets you up for success or puts another obstacle in your way."</b> - Craig Ballantyne</span><br />
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Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15876359794856458249noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-600448780202378549.post-4477237091025958862013-05-15T12:24:00.000-07:002013-05-15T12:24:25.347-07:00I am reading Jon Acuff's book, "Start". It is about not settling for average. Pushing past the fear that speaks to all of us, convincing us to not dream too big, live too boldly, or shine too brightly. Fear has always been an issue for me. I am just now realizing that fear is an issue for most people.(wait, you mean I am not unique after all?!) I was so busy comparing my insides with your outsides, all I could see was that they didn't match. Had I been smart enough to realize that wasn't a fair scale, I might have dared to look a little deeper. What I missed was that while most people's outsides look put together and confident, their insides are often as messy as mine. Riddled with the insecurity and questions. But what if I am not good enough, liked enough, smart enough? What if I don't fit in. What if I don't have what it takes?<br />
<br />
A little over a year ago I was shopping for homeowners and car insurance. I got quotes from 8 different companies, then sat on the decision for 4 months because I was so scared to make the wrong decision. Really? Wow. It's insurance. Look at the numbers. Pick one. Move on. I wouldn't. I was overwhelmed by the fear of making the wrong choice. I read somewhere not long after that (Thank you, God) that some of us treat decisions as if they were moral issues. WOW. That was so true for me. Decisions are choices, nothing more. If I make the wrong one, I can readjust and move forward. My identity, or moral compass, will not be altered by paying too much for homeowners insurance. In Acuff''s book he says it this way, "No matter what fear and doubt tell you, your identity is not at stake with the decisions you make and the actions you take as you learn.....You were you before you walked in the building. You'll be you when you walk out. Only more awesome." I love that. He is so right.<br />
<br />
So how does this tie into nutrition, exercise and weight loss? Well, for me it brings up the issue of my all or nothing thinking, and how often it sabotages me. Maybe I am the only one who has tied self worth to my eating or my success on the scale. Or given up and jumped off the "diet" because I ate a cookie. Eating and exercise is just like every other decision I face every day. It is not a moral issue. I am not a failure as a person because I ate a candy bar. Was that the wisest choice considering I am still trying to loose weight? No. Has my character or integrity taken a hit. No. Will it now take me a little longer to loose the 20 pounds I still have left. Yes, a little. Do I suck as a person now? No. Ok, so that may seem a little silly, but seriously the emotions that are generated from that cyclical pattern of negative thinking and self sabotage are strong. I can actually convince myself that I am a failure because I ate what I shouldn't have or I didn't exercise. Talk about pressure. Geez. All too often in the past, I have let one indulgence lead me down the path that tells me I have blown it. I should just give up. I will never be successful. Who I am is not altered by what I eat or how often I exercise. Popeye had it going on with his, "I yam who I yam". (mmmmm....yams. Sorry, I am easily distracted) Is it possible for me to be a happier version of me because of what I eat or how often I exercise...absolutely. But that is because I am taking care of my body, feeding it healthy food and challenging it. I am giving it what it needs to function at it's best. The by product of taking good care of my body is having more energy, more balanced hormones and a brighter outlook.I can feel better because of good choices, but I am not a better or worse person because of what I eat or don't eat.<br />
<br />
I haven't worked out in over a week because I pulled a muscle in my leg. I was running a lap at the gym a few weeks ago and tripped (graceful I am not). I hyperextended the part of my hamstring way up near my glute....so yeah, it's like I pulled a butt muscle. Who does that? Really? A pulled butt muscle? Yeah, that is me all over. So ANYHOW, I digress....I haven't been working out, and my eating hasn't been great. Those old tapes start playing....I am fat. I am a failure. I will NEVER loose all the weight I need to. I will never reach my goals. That thinking is trying to sneak back in. When I take a minute to really think through it....I know none of it is true. I am still overweight, still have around 20 pounds to go...but truth is, the 40 pounds I have lost are still gone. I am still a size 8, instead of the size 18 that I was. I have taken liberties with my eating, but it hasn't been all horrible; I am still getting a lot of nutrition in. I have lost 2/3rds of the weight I need to loose. I've gone from only being able to jog a half a block, to jogging a half marathon. That isn't failing. But if I gave in to my feelings, I would be focused on what a failure I am, and be convinced that I will never reach my goals. What I choose to focus on is important. Phillipians 4:8 (from The Message): "Summing it up, friends, I'd say you'll do best by filling your minds and meditating on things that are true, noble, reputable, authentic, compelling, gracious,-the best, not the worst; the beautiful, not the ugly; things to praise, not to curse."<br />
<br />
How do you see yourself? Do you tie your worth to performance? Do you feel like a failure when your food choices aren't perfect? You are not how much you weigh. You are not defined by your choices in food or exercise. Who would you see if you looked at yourself without that self imposed filter? Can you even see past your weight to see who God created you to be?<br />
<br />
<br />Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15876359794856458249noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-600448780202378549.post-45072690579028556642013-05-08T12:11:00.000-07:002013-05-09T15:12:16.931-07:00<span style="font-family: inherit;">It has been 8 months since I have posted. That was not intentional. Life got busy. I actually forgot about my blog. I started reading Jon Acuff's book "Start" today and in it he referred to his blog. Oh. My. Gosh. My blog!</span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">Well, a lot has gone on in the last 32 weeks. And by a lot, I mean nothing. A lot AND nothing. Isn't that how life is? So, I am still learning lessons, struggling with insecurities, and putting one foot in front of the other. I have now lost 40 pounds. 40 and sticking. I have been at this plateau for months. My eating is pretty much the same, mostly veggies, fruit and lean meats. I have had a few multi week long bouts of eating whatever I wanted. And by that I mean chocolate, chips, chocolate, cookies,and some chocolate. Yes, that effected my depression/anxiety. Ick. I don't stay in it as long, that in and of itself is progress. I baked about 12 dozen oatmeal cookies this week. Yeah. There is a reason I haven't baked them in a long time. They are WAY to freaking good. I can not stay out of them.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">I have some sitting here at my desk right now. I brought them for someone at work. I told him yesterday I would bring them. He isn't here...and now I am thinking...mmmmmmm.....cookies.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">So, yah. I'm still doing it. Still working toward a healthy weight and a healthy body. It is more of a lifestyle for me now than a diet. It's not hard to eat the right food. It does take planning ahead, and that isn't always easy, only because life is busy. My hours at work have increased to full time, and I am married with one son still at home. I also volunteer for a non profit start up. Lucky for me I can do a lot of that work while I am at my paying job. (Yes, I have the blessing of my employers on that) But it is doable. I don't enjoy the alarm going off before 5am four or five days a week, but I do love pushing myself physically and seeing the people I work out with in the mornings. Walking in, hearing the music, saying good morning to my workout buddies, and being greeted by name and with a smile is good for my soul. I feel connected. And I feel like me there. It really is the first place I have had in 20 years, that I am just Chris. People don't know me in relation to me being a mother or a wife. I am just Chris. That has been very different. Most of the friendships I have made in the last few decades have been kid centric. I became friends with people who where within the sphere of my sons' lives. In the neighborhood, in church, in scouts, in school. For the first time a few months ago, I introduced my husband and sons to a couple of my friends, instead of the other way around. I really enjoyed that.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">So that being said, I am back to writing about this process. I have learned so much along the way. I have come to really understand how important it is for us to keep our hearts open. I have learned so much about the way God made me. And though it has been a VERY slow process, I am coming to appreciate how he made me. I actually like who I am for the first time in a LONG LONG time. I have learned that who I saw myself as is not necessarily how others saw me. And more importantly, not how God created me. The first time I shared with my husband and son that I was ashamed of a character trait I had took a LOT of courage. (I felt like I was completely overbearing and too loud) I risked being vulnerable and told them that I was extremely embarrassed and shamed by that part of my personality. They both looked at me like I was crazy, and told me that isn't how they see me AT ALL. As a matter of fact, they would not use those words to describe me. At all. Wait, what? Really? These guys know me better than ANYONE else. I searched their eyes, I mean SEARCHED their eyes for assurance....that they really meant what they had just said. I was overwhelmed and teared up (not out of character for me). Is it possible that my perception of myself is THAT distorted? Have I really been feeling ashamed and embarrassed by character traits that I don't even have? What kind of crazy bondage is that? Somewhere along the way, I accepted that as being true about me. There have been a lot of things that I accepted as truth about me that are absolutely false. People may have spoken those words about me, but that does not mean that they are accurate. I am not too much, or hard to take, or overbearing. I am actually lovable, funny and tenderhearted. Having a heart open to teaching and risking is so important. I would never have known the real truth without it. What we tell ourselves about who we are is important. It needs to be grounded in REAL truth. What do you tell yourself?</span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">What we tell others about themselves is important too. How do you speak about and to the people in your life? Do you "joke" about their shortcomings, make fun of their struggles or weaknesses? Do you use them as the butt of a joke when the opportunity arises? I was inspired by a woman at my church years ago who made a comment that she would not make a disparaging comment about her family, not even in jest. That really struck me. I grew up in a family who consistently will poke fun. (and consistently wound). I thought about that. When my boys thought about their mother, how did I want them to feel about the words they had heard me speak over and about them during their life? The answer was easy, and I made the commitment to myself and to God that day, that people would not hear disparaging words from me. I have fallen short, but my commitment remains. I will use my words to build up and not tear down. Proverbs 12:18 says, The words of the reckless pierce like swords, but the tongue of the wise brings healing."</span><span style="background-color: white; font-family: inherit;"> </span><span style="font-family: inherit;">Who in your life needs words of affirmation from you today?</span>Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15876359794856458249noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-600448780202378549.post-53009919906792946252012-09-21T13:46:00.000-07:002012-09-21T13:46:05.810-07:002 things about food that surprise meThe first thing that surprises me about food is how GOOD whole food tastes once I cleared all of the crap out of my diet. As I've mentioned, I cleaned up my eating beginning on July 1st. (mentioned in my Aug 15 post) About a month into that, the food I was eating began to taste SO GOOD. I mean crazy delicious, where I am just savoring every bite. Here are some examples. I made meatballs with Jenny O ground turkey and had that with spaghetti squash. OH MY GOSH, so good. I made brussel sprouts this week ( I had never liked them before) and I was so sad that there were no more left overs. Seriously, I could have eaten some every day. One thing I have to have at least twice a week is sliced sweet potatos sauteed in olive oil and sea salt. Those days where I feel like "snacking" that is my go to. Spinach with onions, steamed carrots with a little sea salt, all of it. So good. It is weird what all that sugar and fat and processed food does to our taste buds. And we have NO idea unless we try living without it. I did the 10 cleanse by Advocare. (To be honest, I had no intention of doing more than 10 days.) Yes, it was hard to break away from it, but I felt like I could make it through ten days. I mean, that isn't even two weeks. By the time day 11 hit, I decided I was feeling so much better that I would continue till the end of the month. By the time Aug 1 rolled around, I thought, I'm doing so well, I'll keep going until I reach my goal. Now, it is just how I eat and I have no intention of changing it. Once I hit my goal weight, I will probably add in sprouted/whole grain bread here and there, maybe a little cheese now and again. But I will continue eating the way that I do over all. Sure, I will allow for a treat once in a while, but after seeing what sugar does to how I feel...I have no desire to open those floodgates at all. Which brings me to the second thing that surprises me about food.<br />
<br />
Sugar is evil. I have always assumed that sugar probably added to my depression/anxiety, but I had NO IDEA how much. I have had two rounds of anxiety since July 1.(which is amazing). Last Sunday I woke up SO anxious. I mean bad. I had to do the whole, "nothing is wrong. Everyone is happy and healthy. Nothing bad is on the horizon. This is not valid" talk to myself all morning. I headed to the gym because I know I always feel so much better after a good workout. I struggled through the whole class. My heart was racing so bad I had to keep backing off and walking around the gym. The trainer kept asking me if I was ok, he knew that was not me. It was awful. On top of the physical symptoms, I was so frustrated. I believed I had found the right combination of eating and exercise that would keep my depression/anxiety at bay, and I was so upset that this was still going to be something to fight. So I was praying all through class, asking God why this was happening, why was I feeling like this? What had I done to spur on these two attacks in the last month? And it occurs to me. Sugar. You had sugar, a LOT of sugar compared to what you had been eating. I had baked cookies the day before. That night I texted Rick and told him I was struggling with temptation. I lasted a little while, then gave in and ate 2 cookies before bed. At some point during the night I got up and ate I don't know how many more. Yes, I sleep walk and have eaten in my sleep for years. No, I am not kidding. Up until now, only Rick and the boys have known about this. It is so freaking frustrating. So I wake up with that familiar icky feeling in my stomach, and head down stairs. I see there are only two cookies left in the ziplock. I have no idea how many there were when I went to bed, but it was a full plate. That was the common denominator in those two rounds of anxiety. I had eaten cookies a few weeks earlier, the day before I had the first round of anxiety. I was making cookies and salsa for Rick and the boys to take to the ranch, and I was eating some as I cooked. I would pull a batch out of the oven and eat one (*cough* two or three). I'd pull another batch out of the oven and eat one (or three more). Then I decided that salsa looked so good, maybe some chips and salsa wouldn't be out of line. So chips and a LOT of cookies. (I probably pulled 4-5 batches out of the oven. Multiply that by 2-3...yah, not so great). Once I realized that, I felt so much better emotionally. I still felt like crap physically, but at least I knew what I was working with. I just had to get through the rest of the day and stay the heck away from that much sugar.<br />
<br />
It all clicked. Such an eye opener. Yeah, those cookies were good, but not worth feeling like that. Then my twisted thinking kicked in. (you'll love this). I can NEVER make cookies for my family again. What kind of mother am I? I won't even be able to bake them cookies. No, seriously, I was feeling like I was going to completely jack with their quality of life. I was ashamed that I am such a weak person that my poor family will have to suffer like that. Oh. My. Gosh. I can be such a trainwreck in my thinking. It occured to me yesterday that if Tanner had to choose between a happy mom that is quick to throw the frisbee, or having cookies baked...he would probably choose the former and date a girl that is a good baker. And I know for a fact that given the choice Rick would gladly forfeit homemade cookies for the wife he has had as of late.<br />
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More often than I would like, I choose something that I know is not good for me. I know I am not the only one with this struggle. Jesus said to his disciples in Matthew 6:13, " Watch and pray so that you will not fall into temptation. The spirit is willing, but the flesh is weak." So I will continue to watch and pray. I know that my flesh is weak. When I stumble, I will remember this current weakness is one more opportunity for me to lean into the Lord, settle into his grace and focus on him and his will for me. God reminded Paul in 2 Corinthians 12:9, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness". Paul sums it up in the following verses by saying, "Therfore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ's sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong." I, for one, am so grateful that perfection is not something to be desired or pursued. My struggles give me opportunity to seek the Lord. They also soften my heart for those around me who share similar burdens. Do you see your weaknesses as something to be grateful for or ashamed of?<br />
<br />Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15876359794856458249noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-600448780202378549.post-39276144119570103752012-09-08T16:12:00.001-07:002012-09-08T16:12:54.709-07:00I am not afraid<br />
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13.5pt;">I am coming to terms with how
often I see myself as a victim in my own life. Feeling like I had to react and
respond to other people's choices. Often I felt powerless and weak.We are not
called to live like that,For God has not
given us a spirit of fear and timidity, but of power, love, and
self-discipline(2 Tim 1:7)</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13.5pt;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13.5pt;">I have a relationship in my life that has given me the opportunity to wrestle with this recently. This person is an addict, and I have known
him all my life. About 2 years ago, I chose to step away from that relationship. Recently,
he has come back and I found myself not knowing how to handle it. I found
myself feeling angry and scared. If you have an active addict/alcoholic in your
life, you understand the destruction and pain that comes with the disease. If
you don't, suffice it to say that the disease of addiction is fierce and mean.
I had a lot of thinking and praying to do.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13.5pt;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13.5pt;"> I took a hard look at my fear. What
was I scared of? I was scared of being hurt again. The Lord showed me something
important. Even though this person's behavior had not changed, I was not
obligated to receive the pain he was offering. Once again I was brought back to
Phillipians 4:8. What this person offered was anger, lies, and manipulation.
The scripture is clear that is not what I am to focus on. I can just let those
things float on by me. I don't need to receive any of it. I don't need to react
to any of it. I don't need to be scared, he can't hurt me if I don't give him
the power to. I can not control what does, but I can control my half of the
relationship. I have understood this truth for a long time. But I have never been able to apply it to this relationship specifically.What freedom. I could now be in the same room with him. I could
make small talk and be polite. I no longer had my stomach in knots when I knew
I was going to see him. I was free to feel sympathy for him. I was free to pray
for him. I was free to forgive him. I have lived over 30 years feeling
frustration, resentment and anger towards him. For the first time, I was
feeling sorry for him. He simply would not pursue recovery. That has made me
angry for the last 20 years. Now it makes me sad. I have been in recovery for
24 years, and I knew what he was missing. Me wanting it for him wasn't enough.
If he didn't want it, there was nothing I could do.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13.5pt;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13.5pt;">I lived most of my life feeling responsible
for people and things that were out of my control. If someone else was out of
balance, I felt responsible to help realign them. That left me feeling
inadequate and frustrated. There was always something or someone I was feeling
guilty about. My life tipped out of balance. I was spending too much time
worrying about other people and I began to neglect myself. Soon I stopped
taking care of myself all together. Before I knew it I was 50 pounds
overweight. (and I am only 5 feet tall) People in my life were still out of
balance, and now I was too. How did that work for me?</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13.5pt;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13.5pt;">It is good to be compassionate
and encouraging. It is something else entirely to take responsibility for
someone else's life. It has taken me a very long time to understand that
we are all responsible for our own lives. I am not responsible for anyone
else's life or happiness.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13.5pt;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13.5pt;"> The Lord has been so faithful in my life. When I
was drinking and using, he stood by patiently. Placing people and
situations in my life to help me when I was ready. He didn't "make"
me stop. I know he wanted what was best for me, but he never pushed it on me. He
gave me the freedom to choose it. My first sponser told me that God is a
gentlemen, he will wait to be invited in. God, who loves me more than anyone
else, gave me the gift of free will. What a beautiful thing. If I am free
to make my own mistakes, and my own choices, who am I to deny others the same
freedom? Allowing them to reap the consequences of their choices is part of that equation. Respecting their right
to do what they want with their life, releases me from feeling
responsible.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13.5pt;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13.5pt;"> Every day I have so many opportunities to make healthy choices (boundaries, food, exercise, time in the word, prayer,
friendships). It brings to mind 1 Corinthians 10:31,"So whether you eat or drink or whatever you do, do it all for the glory
of God". Are the decisions I make today in my life bringing Him glory?
Held to that standard, things that used
to tempt me, or intimidate me, no longer do. Because the focus is not on me.
I am reminded again that my life is not my own. I am
His. I am not a victim. I am not afraid.</span></div>
Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15876359794856458249noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-600448780202378549.post-29324447918416039152012-08-25T16:07:00.000-07:002012-08-25T16:07:15.879-07:00What if....Well, I crossed the 25 pound mark this morning. I was not as happy as I had expected. I found myself hesitant. I actually got back on the scale to verify, almost expecting it to be wrong. Why am I so much more comfortable with failure than victory? <br />
<br />
As far back as I can remember, there has been a side of me that dared to dream big and expect things to work out well. What I find odd is, that even though hope stirs deep in my soul, doubt still stirs in my mind. There is always a moment where my breath catches and my dreams take shape as I wonder.....what if?? Then almost as quickly, my mind can come up with a handful of reasons why it won't happen. The biggest question that circles in my mind is why would I deserve that? <br />
<br />
Today I stand on the cusp of a few good things happening in my life. I realize my actions this morning are a pretty good picture of how I am feeling in general. I am hopeful, but hesitant. Should I really dare to dream big? What if these things don't work out? Who am I to expect brilliant things to happen in my life?<br />
<br />
About six months ago I read a quote that said the best preparation for tomorrow is good use of today. I have taken that to heart and done my best to make the most of each day. Some days it has been easier than others. Some days the victory is small, but a victory none the less.<br />
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In my weight loss journey, it's the little choices that make the difference. I have been exercising regularly and eating healthy food consistently. The results of the last few months showed on the scale this morning. What I did yesterday didn't effect it too much, but what I have done for the last 55 yesterdays did. I have been doing what I know I need to do, and I let the results take care of themselves. My focus was on the daily walk, not the outcome.<br />
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The same needs to be true of all of my life. I need to spend time in his word, time talking <u>and </u>listening to him. Holding my dreams/thoughts/actions/relationships up to his truth, and let what doesn't line up fall away. Today, I want my to focus my attention on him, his will, and the people he has put in my life. I will continue to do what I can, and leave the rest to him. Why wouldn't I dream big? He is faithful.<br />
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A year ago, I would be wrestling with all of the possible outcomes. I would be playing out every possible scenerio, running through all of the "if thens". Today I can rest.My God is faithful and trustworthy. He can make all things work together for my good. I have made good use of my previous todays. I have prepared well for tomorrow. What if he is who he says he is? What if he loves me like he says he does? What if I submitted all of my life to him to do with as he desires?Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15876359794856458249noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-600448780202378549.post-85756037733225461192012-08-18T12:20:00.001-07:002012-08-18T12:20:41.586-07:00Bowling lessonsYou know those moments in life when God's truth goes from knowledge to "ohhhhh......" I had one of those moments last night. (funny, it didn't hit me while I was in the middle of my day. It settled on my heart as I was winding down. That whole "be still and know" thing, there is something to be said for that)<div>
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I was laying in bed thinking about my day. It had been a great day. I got to sleep in, have a little time to hang out with Rick and watch the news, then piddle around the house in the morning. I went to a noon class then got to spend the afternoon with Tanner. Some long overdue one on one time. We looked for some clothes and shoes for him (I got a fabulous new purse). We weren't in a hurry, had time to just talk and laugh as we ran errands. There is always a lot of laughing with Tanner, he is so stinking funny. It was just really nice. </div>
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After hitting a couple of stores we went bowling. I am proud to say that I set two personal best records. I bowled 3 games in a row over 100. *Bow* and I had an all time high score of 122. It was awesome.</div>
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But what really was remarkable was my attitude. I guess I should back up a little here. We don't bowl often, maybe 3-4 times a year I guess. Usually, when I go, I am riddled with negative self talk. Every negative self image begins to glare, the negative tapes start playing. I am convinced that I am an embarrassment to my kids and my husband. I am ashamed of how I look, and I know that I will be horrible at bowling, just like everything else. Extreme, huh? I know. That thinking comes from the evil one. Remember, we have an enemy that is on the prowl. (1 Peter 5:8) Satan knows our weak spots and loves it when he sees an opening, especially in our thinking. For me, one main area of his attack is my relationship with my husband and kids. If he can get in my head during some family time and jack up my thinking and attitude, my family suffers. I had one of my WORST parenting moments at that bowling alley about a year and a half ago, and I am sure it is because Satan was busy busy in my thinking. I was so beat down and internally emotionally out of control, I made a mistake I will always regret. My regret comes from hurting my son's heart. I did embarrass him, and I could have hurt our relationship. It just reinforces why it is so important that we take our thoughts captive (2 Cor 10:3-5). There is a reason that we are told to think about what is TRUE, noble, right, pure. lovely, admirable (Phil 4:8). When we are distracted by things that are false, inappropriate, impure, dark, or shameful, there is room for that negative to be multiplied, for our minds to be deceived and our actions to be influenced.</div>
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Anyhow, back to yesterday. I felt confident and light hearted and comfortable in my body. Now that may sound weird to some of you, but I am sure there are a few who understand. Moving around in a body that is bigger than it is supposed to be is difficult. It is not easy to move freely. I am used to moving slow and feeling clumsy and embarrassed. I am only 7 weeks in to eating clean, but cutting out the sugar and processed foods has done me SO much good. Not only physically, but emotionally and spiritually. My mood swings have leveled out. I have not struggled with anxiety or depression (I have struggled with depression since I was a teen). I am realizing how much I would turn to food instead of God. My mind is clearer, my emotions are more stable, and I feel physically stronger. I am not only closer to the Lord, but for the first time, I am appreciating how he made me, which has freed me to enjoy this life he has given me so MUCH more.</div>
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So here is where God tied it all together for me. For the last (almost) two months, I have been doing what I should be doing. I have been eating healthy food, exercising regularly and taking better care of myself (getting enough sleep, getting a massage here and there, spending time in the word, praying, writing). I started off on the legalistic end of the spectrum. Focusing on all the "should nots" and marching through the rules. Then yesterday, I found myself experiencing life from a new perspective in light of the choices I had been making. Feeling the freedom that comes from living within healthy parameters.( I was enjoying time with my son, I was enjoying our life together. I was no longer focused on being afraid of looking silly or making mistakes. I was free to laugh and risk) My heart stirred, I began to desire taking care of myself instead of desiring to be skinny. Because I was experiencing the benefits of that focus. Wow. My motivation had shifted, from rule follower to a person who wanted to live in response. How cool is God? </div>
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This is the spiritual shift that took place in my life. I was a Christ follower, being careful to do a good job of paying attention to the "should nots". I am sure he was happy I chose to follow him, and that I was being careful in my choices. But I am also sure that he was excitedly waiting....knowing that I was so close to understanding that was only the first half of the gospel. Yes he came for my salvation (John 3:16),what I was missing was that he came that I would also have abundant life.(John 10:10) He came that I would be free to experience the fruits of the spirit.(Gal 5:22) By focusing on the rules, I was making better choices(1 Tim 1:8), by focusing on him, I was free to experience Life(Romans 10:4). He wants me to flourish.(Eph 3:16-19) Not only so that I will enjoy this life he has given me, but also so I could impact others. He wants my life to shine, so that when others look at it, I can then point to him.(matthew 5:14-16)</div>
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It was such an "Ah ha" moment for me. Once again I am realizing that his truth and grace apply to EVERY area of my life. He longs for me to live my life in response to his grace, yes even in my eating and exercise.. He longs for me to be free of the bondage that the law holds when I focus only on it. He wants me to appreciate just how wonderfully he made my body(Psalm 139:14-16), and in response to that awe, take good care of it.(Romans 12:1) When I am taking good care of it (living in response to grace), it will allow me to experience life on an entirely different level. That is freedom. </div>
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Once again, the chains are broken. I've been set free. You know the rest.....my God and Savior has ransomed me. </div>
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I love how God works. Grabbing my heart, reminding me of his amazing grace on a summer evening. As if a day spent enjoying my family wasn't enough. He had to make sure I remembered how much he loves me, and remind me that he has plans for me.</div>
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Gotta love those bowling lessons.</div>
Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15876359794856458249noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-600448780202378549.post-90170695499640574662012-08-15T13:49:00.000-07:002012-08-16T12:49:49.614-07:00This is hard<br />
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So, the last few days I have been wrestling with a problem. I wanted to eat something. I didn't want to have to think about it, plan it out, or consider it's nutritional value...I wanted to be frivolous and grab something...dare I say it...out of the pantry. Maybe even out of the freezer. I didn't want it to be a fresh fruit, vegetable, or a lean meat. Not because I don't like those things....but because I was having a bit of a temper tantrum. I have been eating clean FOREVER (translation: since July 1). I have been exercising CONSTANTLY (translation: 3 days a week consistently, some weeks more). I have put SO MUCH effort into this, I DESERVE a treat. (truth: I didn't take care of myself for 10 years, there is a price to pay)</div>
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This is hard. I have to say no to a lot of things that I really enjoy. When I started the 10 day cleanse on July 1, I committed to no dairy, no bread, no sugar, no processed food. That is a lot of no. That is a lot of planning ahead to make sure that I have something healthy to eat for each meal and snack. But if I am being honest, it is really not that difficult. Fresh fruits and vegetables are plentiful. There is a lot to choose from that I really like. Having the fat and sugar out of my system now, the fresh food tastes SO much better. So here I stand, at the tipping point. Will I focus on the positive, dig my heals in and finish strong, or will I focus on the negative and allow myself to indulge in the self pity? I know what I want to do....and I know what I FEEL like doing. Two different things. It makes me think of Paul, who said, "I don't really understand myself, I want to do what is right, but I don't do it. Instead I do what I hate". (NLT Romans 7:15) I feel ya, Paul. I know that I feel SO much better. I have more energy, my attitude is better. Food actually tastes better. I am fitting in smaller clothes. I look better. I have more confidence. You would think that all of those things would make this a no brainer. I mean really? In light of ALL of that, why would a bowl of ice cream even be a struggle for me today? </div>
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Sin.</div>
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I believe both sin and fear are at the root of my problem. This is a sin struggle for me. We all have our own. This is mine. The attitude of it can manifest in different ways, but no matter what it looks like (self pity, self indulgence), it is still an idol trying to push itself onto the throne of my life. In Romans 7, Paul says it this way: " I have discovered this principle of life—that when I want to do what is right, I inevitably do what is wrong. I love God’s law with all my heart. But there is another power within me that is at war with my mind. This power makes me a slave to the sin that is still within me. Oh, what a miserable person I am! Who will free me from this life that is dominated by sin and death? Thank God! The answer is in Jesus Christ our Lord. So you see how it is: In my mind I really want to obey God’s law, but because of my sinful nature I am a slave to sin.</div>
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I am a slave to sin. Jesus, and his endless grace are my freedom. I want my life, every bit of it, to be an act of worship. I want my eyes to be on him ,and my heart to be pointing others to him. I know that when I put him first, everything else will fall into place. (Mat 6:33). I want to fill my thoughts with his desires, and take his character as the pattern for my life. I know with everything that I am that he wants the very best for me. Is indulging in something like chips or ice cream going to move me closer to that, or will it just fuel that negative thinking and self loathing? I hate to go all 80’s on you but, WWJD? He would lean into his father, and he would tell Satan to jump off. So I will lean in and remember what it says in 1 Cor 10:13 “ The temptations in your life are no different from what others experience. And God is faithful. He will not allow the temptation to be more than you can stand. When you are tempted, he will show you a way out so that you can endure.” Long story short, no, making good choices in this area is not very easy for me. I have indulged in half measures and justifications. But in the grand scheme of things….so what if it’s hard? Life is hard. He is faithful, I have access to plenty of healthy food and people who are encouraging me and teaching me and loving me. Living my best life means having to learn to say no sometimes. I need to stop being so myopic in the vision I have for my life. I need to dream bigger than today. What would God be able to do in and through my life if I was completely surrendered to him, in EVERY area?</div>
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Fear. Such a master of disguises in my life. Fear is also one of satan’s favorite weapons to use against me. (I have to remember what it says in Isaiah 54:17; that no weapon formed against me will prosper)For me, fear can look like anger, insecurity, jealousy, arrogance, and often, self sabotage. I can get so close to a goal or dream and end up watching it slip through my fingers. I don’t actively pursue the destruction. It’s much more passive-aggressive in nature. Something (Satan) will happen (self doubt or justification) and I get distracted. This has been a pattern in my life, and it has always left me feeling like a victim. I have always believed that if I was stronger, more disciplined, had more faith, was a better person, THEN I would have had victory. But because I was weak, I failed .That is until today. Today I choose to call it what it is. A spiritual attack. The fact that there is an arrow pointed at me, and at my life, pisses me off. So, I will call it what it is, and I will do what I need to do. I will put on the full armor of God (Eph 6:10-18) and I will offer my life, my body, as a living sacrifice, holy and pleasing to the Lord. (Romans 12:1-2). </div>
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Scripture. It is alive and amazing. When I started writing this blog today, I was feeling beat down, fearful, and a little sorry for myself. Poor me, no chips or sweets to eat. Poor me, I still have to quite a bit of weight to lose. Poor me, I have to fight for what I want. Now, after praying, writing, and digging through some scripture, I am determined, energized, and grateful. Realizing that this battle with my weight is simply the thorn in my flesh, I find myself liberated. I need not be ashamed and embarrassed by my weakness. I see that without it, I would be all too inclined to plow ahead with little regard to God and His will for my life, leaning instead on my own self sufficiency. Embracing my weakness makes room for Christ (2 Cor 12:7-10) for his ever present grace and the story redemption he is writing in my life.</div>
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Suddenly, not eating some chips doesn’t seem like that big of a deal.</div>
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<br />Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15876359794856458249noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-600448780202378549.post-46296962969175012692012-08-09T10:07:00.000-07:002012-08-09T10:07:48.430-07:00On the practical sideSo, one of the many benefits that have come from taking a good look at who I am is that I have a better understanding of what I like and don't like. Sounds a little ridiculous that at my age, I am just figuring this out, I know.<br />
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One of my biggest "ah-ha!"s was realizing that finding a form of exercise that fit my personality was just as important as finding one that fit my schedule. I have been a member of 24 hour fitness for years. I didn't enjoy going. Which is why I didn't go. Which was why I was fat. Funny how one follows the other there, huh?<br />
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So it all started when I contacted a friend of a friend who is a (fantastic) personal trainer. She was my safe place to face the brunt of my negative self image. I think back to our one on one time and remember how ashamed I was of my body, and of myself. It was so hard for me to do my exercises, physically because I was 45 pounds overweight, but also emotionally. I was so weighed down by the shame. I would do the sit ups or push ups and think to myself how awful I must look as she stood watching me. Ugh. Talk about being in the valley. One day, she made a comment about boxing. I was interested. So she got out the gloves and the mits....now that was FUN!<br />
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The company my husband worked for closed, and budget needed to be squeezed, so there was no more room for my one on one after those 10 sessions. I was able to attend a boxing fitness class of hers for another few months, and that is where I started to really love it. Now oldest son is going off to college and budget needs to be redesigned again. I needed to find something closer and with a lower cost.<br />
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Along comes Title Boxing. It opens less than 5 miles away. This is where it all clicks. I am not just a number walking in the door. Not only am I greeted by name as I walk in, I am known by the trainers. I am not just a face in the class. They see me. They know what it looks like when I work hard, and when I am coasting. They notice when I am having a rough day, they see when my thinking turns negative in the middle of a class and call me out of it. If I don't come to one of my normal classes, I am asked where I was. This builds such a sense of community, that it encourages all of us taking classes. We learn each others names, we encourage each other, we throw in a little trash talk to push each other, and we laugh together. That is when I realize that this is the environment I have always been looking for. I am built with a need for relationship. I love being around people, I love encouraging others, and I am motivated by seeing strength and courage in others.<br />
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It all makes sense. It lines up completely with how God created me. It's no wonder that I feel the way I do here. It is the perfect fit for my personality. This is just reinforcement that it is so important to take the time to know and embrace how you were created. Because once you do that, you will be able to find your sweet spot, and begin pursue God's best for you. He desires for you to flourish, he has placed people around you to encourage you and lead you toward your next season. Stop hiding. Don't play it safe anymore. As William Shed said, "A ship in the harbor is safe, but that is not what ships are built for". You were not created to live a safe life. Transition is uncomfortable.<br />
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Are you scared? That is ok. Do it afraid. Courage is not the absence of fear, it is the act of stepping out in fear. What are you scared of? Making a mistake? Failing? Here is a news flash.... life is messy. So get out there, make some mistakes and learn along the way. Try something new. If you don't like it, try something else. If your not getting the results you want, tweak it...just DO something. A change of outlook follows a change in action. The catalyst of a new season doesn't have to be time. Many times a new season is born out of a new understanding. Today, my prayer is that you realize that you were created for more.<br />
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A powerful life is not one that we were born into, or one we stumble into living. It is a life we have chosen to live. In submitting our hearts to God, we become open to pursuing a life that will impact and bless others. One that will leave a wake of challenge and encouragement and grace behind it for generations.Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15876359794856458249noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-600448780202378549.post-5311321385389856482012-08-08T15:37:00.000-07:002012-08-08T16:44:17.456-07:00YahbutMy Achilles heal. Justification. I can always come up with a reason why I deserve to eat what I want, why I should rest instead of workout, why I should isolate instead of spend time with friends. My best thinking got me to my lowest places. Talk about self will run riot. Take away lesson? My life needs to build on God's truth, not my feelings.<br />
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I have always had a tender heart. Growing up, I collected little pieces of who others told me I was. As a little girl I was told I was vaccinated with a phonograph needle. I was precocious. (both always said with a sharp tongue and an eyeroll-cluing me in to the fact that being smart and talkative were negative traits). I was a puppet. I was a nark. I was clumsy. I was too much. I was not enough. These are the adjectives that I believed described me. I carried this picture of myself into adulthood. Truth be told, this is how I saw myself until last year. I was never enough, I was too emotional, I was draining. Satan loves to get into our thinking, tie emotion to an event, or to a thought, and twist it just enough to keep us in bondage. Somehow the truth that others could not appreciate the way that I was created was morphed into a false belief that I must not have been good enough. I came to a place where I believed that my love for relationships and the ease with which I can talk to people were negative character traits. I love to write, but it seemed ridiculous to dream of writing a book. I always believed I was clumsy, turns out I love to work out and be active. What lies about yourself have you collected over the years? I encourage you to let that question be the prompt for some more writing in your notebook.</div>
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So, it is clear that my self esteem didn't fall under the healthy range. I believe that my poor self image and desire to hide were fuel to my Yahbuts. I could always come up with a reason why I couldn't. Couldn't what, you ask? You can fill in the blank.... Couldn't stick to a diet. Couldn't stick to an exercise plan. Couldn't set healthy boundaries. Couldn't embrace who I was. Couldn't see how beautifully God created me. Couldn't see that I was worth the effort. Couldn't see the blessing I could bring to others. So many snares. They kept me in the dark. They kept me in fear. Occasionally, I would dare to step out a little, but the Yahbuts would chase me back in. My spirit would stir, " I want to loose weight", <b>Yah, but </b>you'll never loose all of the weight you need to loose. My lonely heart would desire friendship. <b>Yah, but</b> you aren't loveable. People will be nice to you, but they will never love you....never <u>really</u> love <u>you</u>. I want to be a good wife. <b>Yah, but</b> you are too emotional, your too much to deal with. I want to be a good mom. <b>Yah, but</b> you've never been good enough. Before I knew it, Yah buts took over my thinking. I should go exercise....<b>Yah, but</b> I'm tired. I should pass on dessert tonight....<b>Yah, but</b> it's been a rough week I deserve a treat. I should not eat that box of Cheez Its....<b>Yah, but</b> it's pms week...I always had a reason, and I always felt less than.</div>
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Today I am so grateful that I could not loose the weight. Oh, my weight would fluctuate, but I never could reach my goal, and the weight would never stay gone. Don't get me wrong, it hurt. A LOT. But for me, that was necessary.(I tend to learn my lessons the hard way.) My self esteem was directly tied to my weight. If I could just hit that magic number, I knew I would be happy and lovable. My heavenly father saw me struggle with that, and I have no doubt it broke his heart. He placed people in my life to speak of what they saw in me. He was relentless in encouraging me to do the hard work. To get to a place where I could love myself, as he created me. I had to learn to love myself first, because if my self esteem was based on a number instead Him, it was worthless. It was quicksand. A worthless idol that could be wiped away. A worthless idol that SHOULD be wiped away. </div>
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Little by slow, my heart softened. I started with biblical counseling through my church. It was there that I became willing to see myself as God sees me. It was a VERY slow process,, I had a very negative and critical opinion of myself. I would step out and receive some truth, than run back into my shell and hide for a while. Then I would get uncomfortable, and again reach out, receive a little truth, and run back into my shell and hide. I am talking years, here. Please, let me encourage you, go ahead, step out. Yes, it is hard work.Yes, it means moving in a different direction. It takes looking at the broken parts of our hearts and our lives,and exchanging our lies for his truth. </div>
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It can be easy for us, as believers, to receive the truth that we are called to love others as we love ourselves.(mat 22:39) We focus so much on the first part of that sentence...and can often negate the second half. Jesus calls us to love others, carefully and intentionally. Which means he is expecting that we will be careful and intentional as we love and care for ourselves. He wants us to love and embrace who we are, and take good care of ourselves.... spiritually, emotionally, physically. Because then, we will be ready to extend his endless grace and love to those he has placed in our lives. This is freedom. (Gal 5:13-14) This is where the fruits of the spirit bubble up out of our hearts and wrap those around us in encouragement and truth and blessing. (Gal 5:22-23)</div>
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Appreciating his beautiful handwork in us frees us to appreciate his beautiful handiwork in others. </div>
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What are your Yahbuts? Are you ready to exchange them for his truth?</div>
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Please, please leave comments. I see that a number of people have seen my blog. I would love to hear your thoughts. </div>Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15876359794856458249noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-600448780202378549.post-79708122790052210212012-07-30T06:31:00.000-07:002012-07-30T06:31:01.948-07:00So I have already found myself caught in the snare of trying to do this "right". ( a fairly consistent theme in my life. Being good enough, worthy, lovable) I was thinking about this blog last night and trying to narrow down my goal. It turns out to be simple, my heartbeat is to encourage other woman who struggle with self image and weight loss. It has been such bondage for me. My self image was negative for so many years. I would love to tell you there was one defining moment that changed everything. But for me, like it was in my sobriety and my faith, it has been more of a winding path. God placing people in my life to speak truth into me and encourage me to walk in a different direction. I could not see the "big picture". I would just move forward. Honestly, sometimes in despair,or in distrust. I was in a place of not being able to envision a life free from the shackles of being overweight, of my negative thinking, and fear. So there were points that I wasn't necessarily moving towards something (because I couldn't see it for myself) as much as being willing to move away from the pain. So often in my life, when I couldn't believe, He surrounded me with people who did. I believed that they believed, and often, that was my starting point.<br />
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I was worried last night. I am sure there will be woman reading this with all kinds of life stories. You are coming from different places. How can I reach and encourage such a variety of woman? Some of you struggle with self image as I did, some do not. How do I address what I did to confront my negative thinking without boring those who don't struggle with it? As quickly as I thought it, I was reminded that this is not about me. It is not about what I can or can't do. It is about what God has done in my life. That is what I want to share.<br />
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I guess a good place to wrap up is to share what I believe. I believe there is a loving creator who longs for you to have more than this. He loves you so much he sent His son, Jesus, to die for you salvation. (you specifically, not everyone else plus you. You were not lumped in. He came for YOU) But, there is so much more. That is not where the story ends. He came that we would have abundant life. Here and now. He took such care and created you with such love. He placed in you all of the gifts and talents and quirks and weaknesses on purpose. He arranged and rearranged until He saw you, just as He envisioned you would be. I can't help but see him smiling, "That's my girl". For so many years I apologized for who I was. I cry easily. I like watching birds. I love to talk to people. I am not organized. I worry too much. I get nervous and say pretty ridiculous things. I procrastinate. I was embarrassed by my weaknesses and shortcomings so much, that I began to hide. I was not good enough. It was almost as if my life had a sign over it announcing to everyone around me, "I'm sorry". This was not the life Jesus died for me to have. I believe it made him sad that I was missing the other half of salvation. He made us different on purpose. (I love 1 Cor 12:4-31). I was so focused on the strengths and gifts of those around me, all I could see was that I did not look like them. I could not see that I had strengths and gifts and talents of my own. God had given these to me to glorify Him. Yes I had weaknesses and struggles as well. But I have come to realize that without those, I would not be too inclined to pursue a life following Christ. I would be doing it on my own. (I've seen where that gets me). So I have come to a place of accepting not only my strengths and gifts, but my weaknesses and quirks also. That is freedom. The way he made me was beautiful. I am beautiful. I could not say that for most of my life. If you are in a place where that doesn't feel true for you, take heart. There is hope. Because this is your truth as well. You are beautiful.<br />
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I started from a place of disengaging the emotion and focusing on the logical. (this was important because I am a very emotional person and God did not call us to build our life on how we feel. He called us to build our life on His truth). So my truth here was rooted in Psalm 139. God knows me intimately. He created me carefully. The logic that follows is that He would not put such care and love into creating me without having a calling for my life. I wanted to follow His will for my life, and felt like before I could do that, I would have to come to a place of embracing how He made me. So, my starting point in my notebook was listing out who I was. Things I liked and enjoyed. Character traits that I had. Things I struggled with. You see, I had worried so much for the last 20 years about being a "good" wife and mother that I focused on those roles and lost me. So it was interesting for me to see this picture of myself on paper. I liked talking to people. I liked bird watching and hiking. I love nature. Praying during worship is an intimate place with God for me. I am competitive and stubborn. I would just add to it as I thought of things. It was really a great exercise for me. Because in black and white, it made no sense that I was embarrassed that I loved watching birds. So what if my family thought it was lame. I love it. God put that love of nature in me. <br />
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I would encourage you to start there. Spend some time with the Lord. Ask Him to show you how He made you, and what He loves about you. Put pen to paper. I can promise you, He can't wait to show you. He can't wait for you to see and celebrate His work in you! He longs for you to embrace how He created you so you can flourish in the life He has given you.<br />
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I am praying for you.Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15876359794856458249noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-600448780202378549.post-52558695320437164572012-07-28T11:39:00.000-07:002012-08-08T15:43:44.272-07:00Welcome!So...thank you for visiting my blog! I hope this is a place where you will find encouragement as you seek what God has in store for you. I'd love to tell you that I have a plan for this and I know exactly where I am going with it. Truth be told, I have no freaking idea. But hey, you'll at least get what you pay for out of it, right?<br />
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The main focus will be weight loss and surrounding topics. Self image, faith, nutrition, exercise, friendship, motivation. There is so much more to this subject for me than a number on the scale. I feel like I have learned a lot this past year and would love to encourage others in this area. I am open to feedback and suggestions. : )<br />
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Please keep in mind that what I have to share is purely personal opinion that has been formed from personal (and often messy) experience. I don't have any degrees in theology or nutrition or exercise. I don't claim to be an expert in any of it. What I have to share is my experience, strength, and hope. My hope (and life) is found in Christ, if there is anything that I share that does not line up with His truth, disregard it completely.<br />
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So, I guess this is where we start. : ) Ready?<br />
<br />Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15876359794856458249noreply@blogger.com0